Am I ready for this???

I know I want another baby and with the big 4-0 looming over my head I know the time is now. 

So what's the worry about? 

I just keep picturing myself getting two kiddos ready for daycare in the morning and I am scared at the work and the responsibility.  Scared.  Are most people scared when they think of all the work and responsibility of being a mom?  I am being honest, I get scared. 

I also picture myself having to give insulin shots during pregnancy and I get scared.  I'm scared of complications.  I'm scared of my diet and health.  I know I will worry through out the pregnancy (I'm not pregnant now). 

With that said and despite my fears I took my last pill on Wednesday 7-13-11.  So exciting!  I'm at the point, if it happens it happens.  I want it to.  I hope it does.  But, honestly, I'm scared AND excited all at once (same as with Anderson)!  I have to be ok if it doesn't happen too (maybe?)...???  Scary!

A few weeks ago (months now) we visited a friend with a newborn.  Anderson was curious and watched closely as I held this new very tiny one week old baby.  I even decided I would try to hold both (just to see) and both started to squirm and I started to get nervous (because I have a newborn that is not mine in my care)!  It seems very overwhelming.  I stressed out.  Can I do this? 

I know I will be overwhelmed at first, but with time we get accustomed to life.  It will be hard at first (no doubt) just like adjusting to being a mom was difficult (at least it was for me), but we will get through it and probably thrive.  I feel my family is not yet complete (call me selfish).  I want A to have a friend, a family member that he will grow up with, share memories with and drive me crazy with (hee hee).  I want them to play together, count on each other and share responsibilities together.  I don't care if we have a boy or a girl.  At first I really wanted one of each, now I really really don't care.  A healthy baby is all I care about.  That's it.  Nothing else matters in life, just a healthy baby.  Period.  I feel so strongly about that. 

Alex has been very mum on the subject (although we have decided to try again).  I'm sure he is scared too (for my health, for our family dynamics changing, for finances - two college tuitions, a small house etc).   He was really quiet about it so I had to ask the question if he really was ready for another and I encouraged him to be honest because I was scared and needed his support.  We could wait a bit longer if it wasn't quite right.  He said yes but...after some prodding he confessed he's concerned our current home is too small.  "Where will the baby go?"...he said.    It was weighing heavy on him - being able to provide for his family.  He also said he wanted for us to have a bigger house and all the things we wanted (large yard, bigger closets, fireplace, jacuzzi) and I told him we could still try to get all that, but our current house was just fine (I love our home).   If we were blessed with another boy they will share a room, and if it's a girl we will make the computer room a bedroom (or we could move by the time we actually had to worry about them having their own rooms).  I was happy we were being honest about our worries.  He's on board too.  I'm feeling a lot better and ready (that means for me).

So Am I ready for this?   Yes.  I'm putting on big girl pants and moving forward. 

Progress.