Good Monday morning.
Today is gloomy Monday morning and it is pouring rain and cold. Burr. Feels like my mood...or the sadness I am feeling.
Over the weekend a few things came up concerning couples who are divorcing. I know of four couples (at least) who are newly divorced or are in the process of getting divorced. It's so sad...any way you look at it. Not sure why it is consuming my thoughts and why I let these things sadden me so much...
One couple includes a good friend who had a difficult marriage and seeing it end was "good" for her because she suffered for many years. I was in her wedding. It was such a happy time. But even then there was some issues on the character of her husband. I stood by her and gave him the benefit of the doubt and I supported him and never questioned him or their feelings for each other. Boy was I wrong. She has two small kids, she worked two jobs, cared for sick parents and her adult husband acted more juvenile than the kids. It's still sad though...because he's still managing to make her life miserable. The divorce is final.
Another couple, a favorite aunt/uncle are also splitting up. That's difficult because we feel caught in the middle. It's also hard because all of my memories include them both as a couple...now they are not a couple. Plus when my parents were together and we would visit, I wished my parents could be like them...they looked so happy. However, I've known for a long time that they are not happy. We get first hand accounts from both sides. It's tough for me. Emotions are high and perceptions of each are so warped (and hurt, I guess). They teach me (both aunt and uncle) how not to be in my relationship. The divorce is in progress...
Another couple is my own brother. Throughout their relationship I came to love my sister in law. She really is funny and smart and she has this spunky personality that you just navigate too. They have been separated/divorced now for nearly 3 years (July 2008, just shy of their one year wedding anniversary - this isn't a recent divorce, but something happened over the weekend that reminded me of it). My brother lived us from July 2008 until February 2009. It was a very difficult time. It was messy. It was difficult. It was sad, with lots of tears. One of the saddest times in my life (for more reasons than the divorce). But I had nothing to do with the end of their marriage, but yet when my ex-SIL sees me she turns the other way as if she can't see me. Even at church. So painful. So sad. I know I have no right to be in her life now - she's moved on and is getting married. But it is still very sad. It's like all the good times have been buried by the pain of the separation/divorce (and I know my brother caused the pain). She's entitled to hate me, I'm guilty (or evil) by association, I guess. I'm just sadden by it. Her new husband's family is lucky to have her. As she once emailed me, good luck to you and your future life...And just like that I am written off...sad sad sad. Who knows what could have been???? Divorce is finalized...
Another is a couple at work. I do not know the husband, but I get to hear first hand accounts of the gory details. Its' sorted and messy and the drama is consuming her (and me if I get too close). I could go on and on and on. But it's just plain sad.
The major divorce that I recall is my own parents. There is so much that can be said about that and I will save that for another day. Such a sad story, such a sad life. But it has been more than 20 years. Moving on.
It's hard to see couples end and you do feel like you have to choose sides. I also feel empathy for the couples because I can only imagine the pain and suffering they are feeling inside them. I'm sure they felt as happy as I did on my wedding day...and they planned for their future to be together. And, now, everything is over.
Here's to a brighter tomorrow. Pray for married couples (including Alex and I) to get through the difficulties of everyday life. Pray that we will always be there for each other.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Mommyhood progress
The last couple of months have been rough for me mentally and I haven't quite understood why. I have started so many blog posts but deleted them because they were coming from a place that I didn't recognize. After some soul searching and analyzing I think I finally figured out why (or at least partially).
We have been wanting to redo our basement and "finish" it so that Anderson would have a play room. His toys can all be contained, we would have our upstairs clutter free and we could add value to our home. Win Win. Alex wanted to do the job himself to save money. That means weekends and any days off that come during the week would be devoted to the basement. In years past Alex would have days off during the week because jobs were waiting to be inspected or poor timing on projects or for other reasons. Well this year we are not seeing too many of these days unscheduled days off. Alex always had the two weeks at Christmas and New Year's week off. Not this year. Alex has been working non-stop.
Figures. Having the basement project undone is driving Alex nuts. It keeps him up at night. It's all he thinks about, talks about. He's tackling the job on his own and he is doing all the work all alone. Plus he doesn't like to have projects linger. He's consumed ... dare I say it obsessed.
Me, wanting to be the loving supporting wife, said go ahead and do the project. I want the family room so we can all snuggle on the couch. I want to have all the toys in one spot! Great. I will take care of the baby, dinner, cleaning and the nightly routine and weekend chores on my own. I figured I could do it since he is putting his sweat into this project.
After about a month of construction, I noticed that I started crying and stressing at the drop of a hat (around late January). Not sure what was wrong with me. Why am I getting all worked up? Why do I feel "mad" all the time.
I started to see myself as failing in my multiple roles...and I felt I was doing everything half as*ed. I was not "just getting by" but failing (at least that was what my brain was thinking). I started to feel overwhelmed. And then I DID feel overwhelmed, A LOT. And then I felt Stressed. And Sad. And these feelings were beginning to consume me. I'm still dealing with them. I'm trying to.
Like I mentioned earlier, I thought about what was going on in my head and did some soul searching and analyzing. I spoke to some really good friends about it (thank God for girl's night). All assured me that these feelings are par for the course with a new baby and life will get easier and you will get use to it.
Then, one day, out of the blue, I finally figured out why I was sad. I came to the conclusion that I missed Alex. I missed our family time at night. I missed our weekends. I missed his presence. His quiet assurance. AND, and I missed his help.
So I finally fessed up and told him that I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything and that I felt like I wasn't doing any of my roles well. I told him that I felt like I wasn't being a good enough mom to Anderson (since he seems to be crying more, and not rolling over yet, not eating finger foods yet, etc), I felt like I was not a good enough employee (since I arrive late everyday and dream of quitting) and I felt like I was not a good enough wife (we never spend time together). Not to mention - I'm not good enough to me personally. I can't remember the last time I worked out (and I so need it). Alex, in his most supportive way, told me that I am doing everything well and that we will get through this and he gave me a big hug. That hug made me feel great. It really did. I couldn't believe his reaction, so supportive. I felt closer to him and so glad I got it OUT. I thought life should be good again.
Then another week went by and those anxious overwhelming feelings came back. What the heck? I have been back to work since October...why am I feeling this way now. Mommyhood and being a working mom and trying to get everything done is a work in progress. Has the rush of running around finally taking its toll on me?
It finally dawned on me that I need to make a change to our current routine. BUT what?
I finally asked Alex to not work in the basement on work nights. The night time routine is too much stress, is overwhelming and making me exhausted. Plus Anderson needs his Dad and they need to spend time together. I asked Alex and he agreed. So working on the basement will happen on weekends, Monday nights and Friday nights. That's it. And that is good enough in my book.
Sometimes you need to ask for what you want. Speak up. SPEAK UP. MOM UP. Do yourself a favor.
I am still a work in progress. I have to learn to not "feel bad" that I am not super woman. No one is. I'm not unreasonable...so if something is bothering me it's probably because its a problem. Definately, there are other issues that are still bothering me, but baby steps...
Family time at night has resumed and we are loving it.
We have been wanting to redo our basement and "finish" it so that Anderson would have a play room. His toys can all be contained, we would have our upstairs clutter free and we could add value to our home. Win Win. Alex wanted to do the job himself to save money. That means weekends and any days off that come during the week would be devoted to the basement. In years past Alex would have days off during the week because jobs were waiting to be inspected or poor timing on projects or for other reasons. Well this year we are not seeing too many of these days unscheduled days off. Alex always had the two weeks at Christmas and New Year's week off. Not this year. Alex has been working non-stop.
Figures. Having the basement project undone is driving Alex nuts. It keeps him up at night. It's all he thinks about, talks about. He's tackling the job on his own and he is doing all the work all alone. Plus he doesn't like to have projects linger. He's consumed ... dare I say it obsessed.
Me, wanting to be the loving supporting wife, said go ahead and do the project. I want the family room so we can all snuggle on the couch. I want to have all the toys in one spot! Great. I will take care of the baby, dinner, cleaning and the nightly routine and weekend chores on my own. I figured I could do it since he is putting his sweat into this project.
After about a month of construction, I noticed that I started crying and stressing at the drop of a hat (around late January). Not sure what was wrong with me. Why am I getting all worked up? Why do I feel "mad" all the time.
I started to see myself as failing in my multiple roles...and I felt I was doing everything half as*ed. I was not "just getting by" but failing (at least that was what my brain was thinking). I started to feel overwhelmed. And then I DID feel overwhelmed, A LOT. And then I felt Stressed. And Sad. And these feelings were beginning to consume me. I'm still dealing with them. I'm trying to.
Like I mentioned earlier, I thought about what was going on in my head and did some soul searching and analyzing. I spoke to some really good friends about it (thank God for girl's night). All assured me that these feelings are par for the course with a new baby and life will get easier and you will get use to it.
Then, one day, out of the blue, I finally figured out why I was sad. I came to the conclusion that I missed Alex. I missed our family time at night. I missed our weekends. I missed his presence. His quiet assurance. AND, and I missed his help.
So I finally fessed up and told him that I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything and that I felt like I wasn't doing any of my roles well. I told him that I felt like I wasn't being a good enough mom to Anderson (since he seems to be crying more, and not rolling over yet, not eating finger foods yet, etc), I felt like I was not a good enough employee (since I arrive late everyday and dream of quitting) and I felt like I was not a good enough wife (we never spend time together). Not to mention - I'm not good enough to me personally. I can't remember the last time I worked out (and I so need it). Alex, in his most supportive way, told me that I am doing everything well and that we will get through this and he gave me a big hug. That hug made me feel great. It really did. I couldn't believe his reaction, so supportive. I felt closer to him and so glad I got it OUT. I thought life should be good again.
Then another week went by and those anxious overwhelming feelings came back. What the heck? I have been back to work since October...why am I feeling this way now. Mommyhood and being a working mom and trying to get everything done is a work in progress. Has the rush of running around finally taking its toll on me?
It finally dawned on me that I need to make a change to our current routine. BUT what?
I finally asked Alex to not work in the basement on work nights. The night time routine is too much stress, is overwhelming and making me exhausted. Plus Anderson needs his Dad and they need to spend time together. I asked Alex and he agreed. So working on the basement will happen on weekends, Monday nights and Friday nights. That's it. And that is good enough in my book.
Sometimes you need to ask for what you want. Speak up. SPEAK UP. MOM UP. Do yourself a favor.
I am still a work in progress. I have to learn to not "feel bad" that I am not super woman. No one is. I'm not unreasonable...so if something is bothering me it's probably because its a problem. Definately, there are other issues that are still bothering me, but baby steps...
Family time at night has resumed and we are loving it.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Role Models for Fatherhood
I have been thinking a lot of what type of role models influence us...and by how much.
I look at my husband while he is playing with Anderson and it makes my heart smile. Not only is my face smiling, but I feel something inside me, like a beam of light trying to escape my chest. I feel my heart wanting to explode...giddy like. I feel like my heart is smiling with joy.
I often wonder what kind of role models my husband had in his life. Especially male role models. And the effect they will play on Alex's role as Daddy.
I know his dad wasn't really "there for him" after his parents separated. They had a "falling out" in Alex's early twenties (maybe late teens). Something that they could not recover from. BUT, from the stories Alex tells me from his youth his dad was "a hands on" Dad (and his mom too)...they did "play" together, his dad thought him things, spent time with him and showed him a strong work "ethic". Alex has never said that his father was a good role model ... this is just my conclusion after some of the stories he has mentioned about his childhood (I may be wrong). If I asked Alex he would probably say he was not a good dad (maybe I should ask Alex?). Alex's stories of his youth tell me that his dad was really a "father". Unfortunately some (mid-life crisis) issues came up later in life that spoil the good memories. Even more unfortunate - since they never made amends - we will never know what could have been. Alex's dad died on January 22, 2009.
Another role model for Alex was his grandfather. Alex had a really tight connection with his grandfather (his mother's father). They were very close and Alex was the only one his grandpa would listen too. Alex spent many weekends at his grandparents home (when he was a child). I'm not too sure his grandfather was a great role model in the typical sense (there have been lots of stories of him being abusive and being an alcoholic). However their relationship seemed perfect (he was never abusive to Alex). His grandfather made him feel loved and special. This just my take on what Alex tells me. His grandfather loved Alex just because! They had a friendship, a connection, they hung out and enjoyed their time together. Alex use to push his grandfather around in the wheelchair and go for rides. His grandfather always bought him candy at the store. They would carve wood figurines together. To have someone love you - for you - makes you feel special and loved...and they had that relationship. Not sure when he died, Alex was probably in his early teens (??).
This just makes me think about what kind of father Alex will be and how much of our parenting style comes from within ourselves and how much is taught by our parents/family?
I worry sometimes because the two main (male) influences in Alex's life were not a stable force...They were not good role models for a good portion of their life (from what I have been told).
Seeing Alex with the baby. Playing with him. Loving him. Making plans for their future together. Making a play room for the baby...Wanting to go to Borders to get toys and books for him. It's awesome. It's more than Awesome, it's Daddy in the making. Alex is a good father. I'm so proud of him.
Anderson has a Daddy that loves him "just because" and it makes me super happy that Anderson has a positive role model in his life. I pray that Anderson always has a Daddy that loves him and a Daddy he can depend on. And I pray that Alex always wants to be the father that I see in him today.
As I type this I realize this post has more to do with my own history with my father. The only experience I have with fatherhood is my experience with my father...which was not good. I just hope and pray and pray and pray that Anderson NEVER experiences what my father did to me. Abandonment scars you for life. That's a scar Anderson WILL NOT HAVE - PLEASE PRAY FOR THAT.
Hug a good father if you are lucky enough to have one. It's not by accident that a father is a good Dad. Don't take for granted having a good father because some of us do not have a father to look up to.
I look at my husband while he is playing with Anderson and it makes my heart smile. Not only is my face smiling, but I feel something inside me, like a beam of light trying to escape my chest. I feel my heart wanting to explode...giddy like. I feel like my heart is smiling with joy.
I often wonder what kind of role models my husband had in his life. Especially male role models. And the effect they will play on Alex's role as Daddy.
I know his dad wasn't really "there for him" after his parents separated. They had a "falling out" in Alex's early twenties (maybe late teens). Something that they could not recover from. BUT, from the stories Alex tells me from his youth his dad was "a hands on" Dad (and his mom too)...they did "play" together, his dad thought him things, spent time with him and showed him a strong work "ethic". Alex has never said that his father was a good role model ... this is just my conclusion after some of the stories he has mentioned about his childhood (I may be wrong). If I asked Alex he would probably say he was not a good dad (maybe I should ask Alex?). Alex's stories of his youth tell me that his dad was really a "father". Unfortunately some (mid-life crisis) issues came up later in life that spoil the good memories. Even more unfortunate - since they never made amends - we will never know what could have been. Alex's dad died on January 22, 2009.
Another role model for Alex was his grandfather. Alex had a really tight connection with his grandfather (his mother's father). They were very close and Alex was the only one his grandpa would listen too. Alex spent many weekends at his grandparents home (when he was a child). I'm not too sure his grandfather was a great role model in the typical sense (there have been lots of stories of him being abusive and being an alcoholic). However their relationship seemed perfect (he was never abusive to Alex). His grandfather made him feel loved and special. This just my take on what Alex tells me. His grandfather loved Alex just because! They had a friendship, a connection, they hung out and enjoyed their time together. Alex use to push his grandfather around in the wheelchair and go for rides. His grandfather always bought him candy at the store. They would carve wood figurines together. To have someone love you - for you - makes you feel special and loved...and they had that relationship. Not sure when he died, Alex was probably in his early teens (??).
This just makes me think about what kind of father Alex will be and how much of our parenting style comes from within ourselves and how much is taught by our parents/family?
I worry sometimes because the two main (male) influences in Alex's life were not a stable force...They were not good role models for a good portion of their life (from what I have been told).
Seeing Alex with the baby. Playing with him. Loving him. Making plans for their future together. Making a play room for the baby...Wanting to go to Borders to get toys and books for him. It's awesome. It's more than Awesome, it's Daddy in the making. Alex is a good father. I'm so proud of him.
Anderson has a Daddy that loves him "just because" and it makes me super happy that Anderson has a positive role model in his life. I pray that Anderson always has a Daddy that loves him and a Daddy he can depend on. And I pray that Alex always wants to be the father that I see in him today.
As I type this I realize this post has more to do with my own history with my father. The only experience I have with fatherhood is my experience with my father...which was not good. I just hope and pray and pray and pray that Anderson NEVER experiences what my father did to me. Abandonment scars you for life. That's a scar Anderson WILL NOT HAVE - PLEASE PRAY FOR THAT.
Hug a good father if you are lucky enough to have one. It's not by accident that a father is a good Dad. Don't take for granted having a good father because some of us do not have a father to look up to.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Life is great...most of the time!
I have started many posts about the trials and tribulations going on in my life. I hesitate to ever post "complaints" or vents because I feel it makes it look like I am complaining or "suffering" or not enjoying life.
Truth be told my life is the best it's ever been. I am the happiest I have ever been. I have never felt more alive. I feel I live "on purpose" (or with purpose) now. I feel like I have "peeked" - that this is as good as it gets - and that's ok. But I also know that there is so much more to life still to come.
With that said, life is the busiest it's ever been. I have more responsibilities than ever before and I am shouldering a lot of taskes with my roles (wife, daughter, sister, employee, MOMMY). Plus there is my resistance to change. Plus a lot of the goings on with the baby (separation anxiety, daycare, colds, feedings, sleeping) are new to me.
So I am going to be honest about the stresses in my life, but I also hope to put all the good out on the blog as well. I will refer back to this post when I see too many negatives and complaints and remind myself (and anyone else who may read this eventually) that Life is GREAT...at least most of the time.
Truth be told my life is the best it's ever been. I am the happiest I have ever been. I have never felt more alive. I feel I live "on purpose" (or with purpose) now. I feel like I have "peeked" - that this is as good as it gets - and that's ok. But I also know that there is so much more to life still to come.
With that said, life is the busiest it's ever been. I have more responsibilities than ever before and I am shouldering a lot of taskes with my roles (wife, daughter, sister, employee, MOMMY). Plus there is my resistance to change. Plus a lot of the goings on with the baby (separation anxiety, daycare, colds, feedings, sleeping) are new to me.
So I am going to be honest about the stresses in my life, but I also hope to put all the good out on the blog as well. I will refer back to this post when I see too many negatives and complaints and remind myself (and anyone else who may read this eventually) that Life is GREAT...at least most of the time.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Helpful Mommy?
Today I actually got asked for some mommy advice from a concerned parent. I couldn't believe it. I feel like I really do not know what I am doing most of the time and I ALWAYS second guess myself - all the time.
To have a concerned Daddy asked me "as a new mom" what i would I do ... was a confidence builder. AND, I actually had agood suggestion. It reminded me that I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
Let me say this out loud. Patricia, stop being so hard on yourself. Just stop it right now. (ok I feel better)
Anderson's eyes always bug out when he sees me after a long day at work. He gets so happy. It makes my day. It swells my heart. I love every minute of it. I love him so much. I just want to do right by him and make him happy and bright and all those great things. He deserves all that is good in this world.
Anderson Mommy loves you so much. Thanks for bearing with me as I get this Mommy job thing under control.
Kisses.
To have a concerned Daddy asked me "as a new mom" what i would I do ... was a confidence builder. AND, I actually had a
Let me say this out loud. Patricia, stop being so hard on yourself. Just stop it right now. (ok I feel better)
Anderson's eyes always bug out when he sees me after a long day at work. He gets so happy. It makes my day. It swells my heart. I love every minute of it. I love him so much. I just want to do right by him and make him happy and bright and all those great things. He deserves all that is good in this world.
Anderson Mommy loves you so much. Thanks for bearing with me as I get this Mommy job thing under control.
Kisses.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Pregnancy Journey
I have been wanting to write this post for a long time. This may be why I started this blog to begin with. Let me start by saying I want to document my pregnancy.
No, I am not pregnant again. Let me rephrase ...
I wish I had started this blog back when I found out I was pregnant so I could document it.
Looking back, I loved my pregnancy and I loved knowing that my little baby was growing inside of me and that I was responsible for his little life. Such a responsibility! And one I took seriously (as many pregnant ladies do). The fact that I could partake in something so wonderful and awesome is really God sent.
I'm not going to lie and say it was all happiness and giggles. Definitely NOT. I had some serious stress, worry and fear. But overall my pregnancy was an unbelievable experience. An experience I do not want to forget. That is why I want to document my first pregnancy.
I'm kind of obsessed with dates. My pregnancy has many important dates. It is impossible to recapture all of my pregnancy experience - but I want to at least remember and list some key highlights. I did keep a journal that I may refer to but a lot is still stored in my (ever fleeing) memory.
Of course part of me thinks I should focus on documenting the PRESENT, especially how crazy busy life is. Going back seems like a bygone era (and a waste of the little time I have). But I would like relive my pregnancy and I hope to have some posts to document Anderson's life in the womb!
I will refer to these posts as my Pregnancy Journey. We will see how often these posts happen... Stay tuned!!
No, I am not pregnant again. Let me rephrase ...
I wish I had started this blog back when I found out I was pregnant so I could document it.
Looking back, I loved my pregnancy and I loved knowing that my little baby was growing inside of me and that I was responsible for his little life. Such a responsibility! And one I took seriously (as many pregnant ladies do). The fact that I could partake in something so wonderful and awesome is really God sent.
I'm not going to lie and say it was all happiness and giggles. Definitely NOT. I had some serious stress, worry and fear. But overall my pregnancy was an unbelievable experience. An experience I do not want to forget. That is why I want to document my first pregnancy.
I'm kind of obsessed with dates. My pregnancy has many important dates. It is impossible to recapture all of my pregnancy experience - but I want to at least remember and list some key highlights. I did keep a journal that I may refer to but a lot is still stored in my (ever fleeing) memory.
Of course part of me thinks I should focus on documenting the PRESENT, especially how crazy busy life is. Going back seems like a bygone era (and a waste of the little time I have). But I would like relive my pregnancy and I hope to have some posts to document Anderson's life in the womb!
I will refer to these posts as my Pregnancy Journey. We will see how often these posts happen... Stay tuned!!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Quarterly review and being a working mom
Every quarter there is a meeting at my job with the "investment committee". This committee includes the big wigs of the organization and is to go over the investments in the Firm's retirement plan. The meeting is considered the Firm's "fiduciary responsibility" - to review the goings on in the investments used in our retirement plans. I won't bore you with the details, but I did my own flash back to my very own 2010 highlights. It's funny how every thought (even at work) always goes back to Anderson, my baby.
Similar to the Investment Committee meeting here are "minutes" to my 2010's quarterly highlights.
First quarter,
I felt my baby kick and grow inside me. Worries of my health and the effect on the baby consume my thoughts. Nursery ideas run rampant. Registering for all the "things" we will need is overwhelming. Anticipation is on my mind.
Second quarter,
We have surprise baby showers, the first feelings of severe pain/uncomfortableness occur. Lots of doctor appointments lead to the biggest appointment EVER - induction and delivery. The day has arrived! Baby Anderson arrives. Discovered that loving my son at first sight is not only possible but IS my reality. I experience overwhelming feelings of joy and happiness. Love for this child and our new little family is overpowering.
Third Quarter,
Fall deeper and deeper in love with my little man. Discover that I can be alone with him and survive (maybe not thrive). Sleep, lack of sleep, little sleep and needing sleep...make my mind foggy. The simple tasks of going for a walk, taking lots of photos and playing with Little A, vovo and daddy are life memories in the making.
Fourth Quarter,
Return to work...start of daycare (and colds), preparing for our busy season and the holidays are front in center this quarter. New routine (away from Little A) strikes serious sadness and stress. But time with Anderson is pure joy. He makes me smile. We make it work. Love and help from family and friends are a God send. First holidays are enjoyed with renewed enthusiasm.
So while I should be thriving at work, I really am trying to do the best I can. I hate to admit it but adjusting to being a working mom is a challenge I am still trying to perfect. I wonder if I ever will (or if anyone ever does)? Work has new meaning. It no longer means long days to get ahead or to get more and more projects done. Now I get my responsibilities done and I go home to my even bigger (more important) job. Life is busy and I struggle with all the challenges at times, but I know that I will get better at being a working mom with time. Practice makes perfect right?
Similar to the Investment Committee meeting here are "minutes" to my 2010's quarterly highlights.
First quarter,
I felt my baby kick and grow inside me. Worries of my health and the effect on the baby consume my thoughts. Nursery ideas run rampant. Registering for all the "things" we will need is overwhelming. Anticipation is on my mind.
Second quarter,
We have surprise baby showers, the first feelings of severe pain/uncomfortableness occur. Lots of doctor appointments lead to the biggest appointment EVER - induction and delivery. The day has arrived! Baby Anderson arrives. Discovered that loving my son at first sight is not only possible but IS my reality. I experience overwhelming feelings of joy and happiness. Love for this child and our new little family is overpowering.
Third Quarter,
Fall deeper and deeper in love with my little man. Discover that I can be alone with him and survive (maybe not thrive). Sleep, lack of sleep, little sleep and needing sleep...make my mind foggy. The simple tasks of going for a walk, taking lots of photos and playing with Little A, vovo and daddy are life memories in the making.
Fourth Quarter,
Return to work...start of daycare (and colds), preparing for our busy season and the holidays are front in center this quarter. New routine (away from Little A) strikes serious sadness and stress. But time with Anderson is pure joy. He makes me smile. We make it work. Love and help from family and friends are a God send. First holidays are enjoyed with renewed enthusiasm.
So while I should be thriving at work, I really am trying to do the best I can. I hate to admit it but adjusting to being a working mom is a challenge I am still trying to perfect. I wonder if I ever will (or if anyone ever does)? Work has new meaning. It no longer means long days to get ahead or to get more and more projects done. Now I get my responsibilities done and I go home to my even bigger (more important) job. Life is busy and I struggle with all the challenges at times, but I know that I will get better at being a working mom with time. Practice makes perfect right?
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Happy Valentine's Day and an Ear Infection
Yesterday was Anderson's first Valentine's Day. Anderson wore his heart breaker shirt. Too Cute. It really should say heart fuller...since my heart has never felt so full.
In the morning I found Anderson soundly asleep in his bed but when I looked closer he had a card tucked there beside him. So cute. My first Valentine card from my baby boy.
Fast forward to the end of the day...I'm excited to get him and see my boys.
Anderson didn't look like his normal peppy self. Hmmmm.
Come bed time Anderson was ready for bed. He was crying and fussing. Oh boy its going to be a long night. And it was. Anderson was very restless. I knew I had to call the doctor and so glad I did. He is still coughing due to the RSV and the doctor said it is not unusual for the baby to catch something else on the heels of RSV. Anderson is still coughing and has lots of nasal congestion. Well all the fluid has settled in his right ear and my little guy has his first ear infection. Oh bummer.
We started Anderson's first dose of amoxicillian ... the pink stuff. I was so worried he may be allergic, but so far so good.
I just want my little guy to be done with all these colds and runny noses and ear infections.
Praying my little guy gets better. We did manage to have a great Valentine's day despite Anderson's cold
In the morning I found Anderson soundly asleep in his bed but when I looked closer he had a card tucked there beside him. So cute. My first Valentine card from my baby boy.
Fast forward to the end of the day...I'm excited to get him and see my boys.
Anderson didn't look like his normal peppy self. Hmmmm.
Come bed time Anderson was ready for bed. He was crying and fussing. Oh boy its going to be a long night. And it was. Anderson was very restless. I knew I had to call the doctor and so glad I did. He is still coughing due to the RSV and the doctor said it is not unusual for the baby to catch something else on the heels of RSV. Anderson is still coughing and has lots of nasal congestion. Well all the fluid has settled in his right ear and my little guy has his first ear infection. Oh bummer.
We started Anderson's first dose of amoxicillian ... the pink stuff. I was so worried he may be allergic, but so far so good.
I just want my little guy to be done with all these colds and runny noses and ear infections.
Praying my little guy gets better. We did manage to have a great Valentine's day despite Anderson's cold
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Change
Change is hard for me. I still haven't discovered why I resist change so much, why I freak out with change and why I avoid change in general.
Even a change for the better is difficult for me (getting into a relationship, having a baby, etc). It's a constant struggle with me. I know I can't be the only one. I am working on keeping the stress caused by change in check.
This past year has been a year of significant change and I have been adjusting...slowly but surely. However, sometimes I have a hard time.
I have to keep reminding myself that change is good. Change is good. Life is full of change. Embrace it.
I pray for the power to resist overwhelming fear of change.
"Change is the watchword of Progression. When
We tire of well-worn ways, we seek for new.
This restless craving in the souls of men
Spurs them to climb, and seek the mountain view.
- Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Have a great Thursday.
Even a change for the better is difficult for me (getting into a relationship, having a baby, etc). It's a constant struggle with me. I know I can't be the only one. I am working on keeping the stress caused by change in check.
This past year has been a year of significant change and I have been adjusting...slowly but surely. However, sometimes I have a hard time.
I have to keep reminding myself that change is good. Change is good. Life is full of change. Embrace it.
I pray for the power to resist overwhelming fear of change.
"Change is the watchword of Progression. When
We tire of well-worn ways, we seek for new.
This restless craving in the souls of men
Spurs them to climb, and seek the mountain view.
- Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Have a great Thursday.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
RSV and the BFF train
Our little guy went to the doctor last Wednesday (2/2) because his cold was getting worse. Anderson had chest congestion, nose congestion and his breathing had a wheeze. The wheezing made me nervous. His cold symptoms started (or became obviously worse than his normal cough) on Sunday. The wheezing started on Tuesday (2/1) so I called the nurse line and she suggested taking some benadryl. So that is what we did. Waking up on Wednesday and seeing Anderson worse (ok, maybe he was just not any better, but little sleep, and lots of nerves and worry makes everything worse) - we called the doctor for a sick visit.
The three of us trekked out in the snow (our 5th snow storm this winter) and went to the doctor. The doctor determined that Anderson has RSV (a respiratory virus that attacks his breathing via the lungs) - or click here for more information. He didn't do any blood work or anything. I happen to mention to Valerie at daycare that Anderson was going to the doctor and she mentioned that another baby had RSV and that I should mention it to the doctor. So that is what I did and the doctor took a look at him, heard him cough and wheeze and made his determination.
RSV is treated with a nebulizer and the medication Albuterol. It is a steam (cool air) mixed in with medication. The baby should wear a mask to try to get as much of the medication into his lungs. It takes a week or so to treat...it is not fast (according to the doctor). The doctor said no daycare for a week at least and to reassess in a week.
I was happy (and so was the doctor) that Anderson's ears looked great. Thank god. I had so many ear infections growing up and had lots of ear issues with my ears. I hope Anderson is spared that trauma.
Anderson is a trooper with his mask on, getting his nubulizer treatment. He doesn't cry. We just sing and make it part of his play time. Plus the train. The train is our new best friend. Anderson got a toy train for Christmas that goes and goes and goes and when it bumps into a wall it backs up and turns around. Daddy discovered this by accident in his attempts to keep Little A entertained. Surprise! Anderson loves it and I think he actually looks forward to his masked treatments. Little A loves staring at the train and is mesmerized. He sits there calmly, with his hands on his thighs and his eyes trace the movement of the train. His eyes pop out above the mask. He's too cute. He is my sunshine even when he isn't feeling 100%.
Anderson remains happy and bubbly. He is a bit clingy and cries more easily, but overall he is still smiling and trudging along joyfully. I love it.
BUT these worries do a number on his mommy (that would be me). I was calm and did (do) everything to make sure he was comforted and feeling well, especially that first day. BUT when I stopped and had a moment to myself, I noticed I was exhausted, scared and just trying to go through the motions without breaking down in tears. I pulled myself together and tried not to wall-o in my fears. I fear that my baby is sick or hurting and I could be doing more. RSV could be the precursor to Asthma. I am trying not to think about it, but it does seem like it could be a possibility.
We just pray he gets well. It's rough being a Mommy.
The three of us trekked out in the snow (our 5th snow storm this winter) and went to the doctor. The doctor determined that Anderson has RSV (a respiratory virus that attacks his breathing via the lungs) - or click here for more information. He didn't do any blood work or anything. I happen to mention to Valerie at daycare that Anderson was going to the doctor and she mentioned that another baby had RSV and that I should mention it to the doctor. So that is what I did and the doctor took a look at him, heard him cough and wheeze and made his determination.
RSV is treated with a nebulizer and the medication Albuterol. It is a steam (cool air) mixed in with medication. The baby should wear a mask to try to get as much of the medication into his lungs. It takes a week or so to treat...it is not fast (according to the doctor). The doctor said no daycare for a week at least and to reassess in a week.
I was happy (and so was the doctor) that Anderson's ears looked great. Thank god. I had so many ear infections growing up and had lots of ear issues with my ears. I hope Anderson is spared that trauma.
Anderson is a trooper with his mask on, getting his nubulizer treatment. He doesn't cry. We just sing and make it part of his play time. Plus the train. The train is our new best friend. Anderson got a toy train for Christmas that goes and goes and goes and when it bumps into a wall it backs up and turns around. Daddy discovered this by accident in his attempts to keep Little A entertained. Surprise! Anderson loves it and I think he actually looks forward to his masked treatments. Little A loves staring at the train and is mesmerized. He sits there calmly, with his hands on his thighs and his eyes trace the movement of the train. His eyes pop out above the mask. He's too cute. He is my sunshine even when he isn't feeling 100%.
Anderson remains happy and bubbly. He is a bit clingy and cries more easily, but overall he is still smiling and trudging along joyfully. I love it.
BUT these worries do a number on his mommy (that would be me). I was calm and did (do) everything to make sure he was comforted and feeling well, especially that first day. BUT when I stopped and had a moment to myself, I noticed I was exhausted, scared and just trying to go through the motions without breaking down in tears. I pulled myself together and tried not to wall-o in my fears. I fear that my baby is sick or hurting and I could be doing more. RSV could be the precursor to Asthma. I am trying not to think about it, but it does seem like it could be a possibility.
We just pray he gets well. It's rough being a Mommy.
Friday, February 4, 2011
My little family
I love my little family.
My husband Alex and I met in July 2000 while I was on vacation in Portugal. We had a long distance friendship, turned relationship ... for six years. In October 2005 we started the immigration paperwork and on June 27, 2006 Alex moved to the United States. On August 19, 2006 we were married by the justice of the peace with only a few family and friends in attendence. The following year we spent planning our (my) dream wedding. On October 13, 2007 we were married in front of all our friends, family and God. It was a blessed day.
In October 2009 we found out we were expecting our first baby. On June 4, 2010 we welcomed our little bundle of pure joy - a baby boy named Anderson (or Little A). He keeps us busy.
God Bless!
My husband Alex and I met in July 2000 while I was on vacation in Portugal. We had a long distance friendship, turned relationship ... for six years. In October 2005 we started the immigration paperwork and on June 27, 2006 Alex moved to the United States. On August 19, 2006 we were married by the justice of the peace with only a few family and friends in attendence. The following year we spent planning our (my) dream wedding. On October 13, 2007 we were married in front of all our friends, family and God. It was a blessed day.
In October 2009 we found out we were expecting our first baby. On June 4, 2010 we welcomed our little bundle of pure joy - a baby boy named Anderson (or Little A). He keeps us busy.
God Bless!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Better Bett
Where did the title of this blog come from?
No, my name is not Betty and I certainly do not think I am better. My life has changed so much since having my first baby (Anderson) 8 short months ago.
Life is different, I am different. But how? How do you describe "it".
Well, Little A has made my life better. I have concluded that I am me, but better. Bett is a take on our last name. So I am a Better Bett...
Maybe, through this blog I can articulate this better...
No, my name is not Betty and I certainly do not think I am better. My life has changed so much since having my first baby (Anderson) 8 short months ago.
Life is different, I am different. But how? How do you describe "it".
Well, Little A has made my life better. I have concluded that I am me, but better. Bett is a take on our last name. So I am a Better Bett...
Maybe, through this blog I can articulate this better...
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Dinner with Hubby
Last night, January 31, 2011, was the first time in a long time we had dinner, alone. Peaceful. There wasn't serious conversation, we barely discussed anything but we did get to look at each other. Cute. Normally Little A is there making himself heard. It was nice to just be us last night (baby fell asleep early - or we had a late dinner).
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