Christmas Traditions

I read a lot of blogs and articles about Christmas traditions.  It got me thinking that maybe we don't do enough and I should go ahead and start some.  Of course, I never made a list and December came and Christmas has come and gone.  But as we experienced Christmas I realized we do have our traditions and we are starting new ones with Anderson...some started last year, some this year and of course, next year (as A gets older and understands more) we will add more.  What I definitely need more of is time!!  So I will have to work on that next year!

1.  We always put up our tree and decorations the weekend after Thanksgiving!  That way we can enjoy the tree all season long.  Alex does a great job decorating the outside.  This year we got a big blow up Santa!  A loved it! 

2.  Alex makes an elaborate village, nativity seen under the train.  At first I didn't care for it.  I still think it takes up too much room in our small living room...but Alex likes to do it and I love how he gets really into it.  He's hoping to have A help him as he gets older.  I was amazed that A never touched one item in the whole scene.  Not even one animal  (A loves animals). 

3.  Reading Christmas Story books to A.  I read one every night of Advent.  We did mostly the story of Jesus' birth story and St. Nicholas...but there were a few Santa stories too. 

4.  An ornament of A (and any future kids).  We got him his "first Christmas" ornament last year (one of 5) and this year I got him Santa's prayer.  I wanted to get something that reminded us all that Jesus is the reason for the season...not Santa.  I love Santa and we are a Santa home, but we also know that Jesus is most important.  There are so many TV shows and books and Santa influence out there, that it is easy to overlook  Jesus.  I would like to have a blow up nativity scene...to go along with our Santa. 

5.  New for this year was an Advent Calendar - Countdown to Christmas.  It was fun making time each night to look at the countdown, have a bit of chocolate and read a story and take a picture.  I wanted to make an advent calendar.  There are about a 100 ideas on pintrest.  Ultimately I ran out of time and bought a calendar for $1 at Trader Joes.  Best $1 I spent this whole season!! A loved it!  He got hooked on sitting at the couch and watching Santa (outside via the window) and reading books.  He only got into the chocolates half way through the month and some days he didn't even want the chocolate...so it wasn't the chocolate that got him hooked.  We also have a snowman with two dice, we also counted down to Christmas with the Snowman.  Fun times.  A would send kisses to the angel on the tree and admire the nativity scene - especially baby Jesus!  He never touched a thing!  He is still sound averse and we put a train under the train, going through the winter scene under the tree.  A is so afraid of the train that we wouldn't go near the nativity scene or the winter scene! 

6.  Pictures with Santa.  Last year A was a baby and happily went with anyone including Santa.  This year, NO way.  He was screaming in his picture! 

7.  Singing Christmas songs.  We didn't do it nearly enough, but A loved it when we did.  We will have to get some better music for next year. 

8.  Christmas Eve service.  We have gone ever year since Alex moved to the states and we went last year with A.  This year got interrupted with a trip to the emergency room.  Ugh. 

9.  Annual picture taking for the Christmas Card.  Last year was so much fun with a stationary baby.  This year?  A bit more difficult with an active 18 month old.  I loved how my cards turned out!  In future years, I may have to hire a professional to take some photos.  We will see. 

10.  Annual Tia's Christmas brunch on Christmas Eve.  My friends are wonderful.  We love getting together and celebrating the season.  We normally have brunch and then the kids open presents.   The kids have a blast and the tias have fun.

11.  Go driving through the neighborhood to see the lights on people's home.  A and I did this with the stroller since he can't really see out the window of the car.  A seemed to really like it.  We did a long walk and he stayed awake the entire time. 

12.  Making cookies for Santa!!  We never got to it this year.  I made them on Christmas day (after Santa came). 

13.  We have not done this yet...but I have everything  i need....starting this New Year's Eve we are planning to get hand prints of A on a table cloth.  Through the years we can see the change!  Love the idea. 

14.  We need a better tradition for Christmas Eve meal.  Christmas Day is always the traditional cod and polvo meal my mom makes every year.  Yummy.  Since we normally work on Christmas Eve (although I have been taking it off to wrap and run around like a mad woman) - I would like our meal to be simple.  Take out may be the answer.  We will have to fine tune this next year. 

15.  Hallmark Christmas movies.  I watch them by myself and I cry.  I love them.  I normally sip hot cocoa and curl up on the couch.  This year I was wrapping. (We also watch other Christmas movies/shows, like Rudolph, National Lampoon Christmas Vacation!, It's a Wonderful Life, Frosty, etc).  This year we didn't see too many, just Chevy Chase' Christmas Vacation and Kris Kringle...

I guess I will stop here...
This list is a lot more than what I thought!! 

 

Christmas Joy

Christmas was so much fun with Anderson this year.  Joy just fills my heart...

Anderson enjoyed opening all his presents and spending time with family and friends.  One of my favorite traditions is the Tia's Christmas...that is Christmas brunch at my friends house.  This started years before Anderson, but the tradition continues.  My dear friends are like family and we encourage Anderson to call them Tia (which is aunt in Portuguese).  My friends are all so generous with A.  We all have a wonderful breakfast together and then open presents.  It's fun, relaxed and encompasses what I love about Christmas (which is spending time together appreciating each other's company).  Fun Times, Fun Memories...I love it. 

Anderson got a bit overwhelmed with presents!!  He got possessive with some of his Thomas trains!!  To the point were we could not touch them!  (I tried to nip that in the bud...ugh).  Anderson also got completely off schedule and was a little out of sorts due to late (or missed naps), but overall he was in a great mood and very happy. 

We also met new members to group...which is my cousin's new boyfriend.  They seem serious, so it was nice to meet him!!  Welcome to the family!! 

There were some stresses over course.  Getting everything wrapped and ready in a very short time was stressful for me.  I say this every year but I definately have to shop and wrap much earlier.  I would love to have everything by December 1 next year.  That means shopping has to start in early November, maybe even in October!  We also should curtail the adults and focus on just the kiddos.  For the most part we did that with my friends this year and most family...so next year gifts for Alex and family will be limited.  It just gets out of hand and we run out of time to do everything.  Especially bake.  I would love to bake cookies with Anderson...for Santa.  

Another stress was my brother.  He is ill.  Very much ill.  And I worry about him phsically and mentally.  Christmas has always been hard for him.  He seems to get into a funk every year.  On Christmas Eve he finally had enough pain and asked for us to take him to the hospital.  Anderson was napping so Alex and my mom took him.  It caused us to miss church and caused me a lot of stress, fear and sadness.  I feel like my stomach sank and I just had a pit in my stomach the whole weekend. 

The next morning (Christmas morning) he released himself from the hospital (against doctor's orders) and went home.  Not sure why he would do that.  As we opened presents on Christmas Day the doctor at the hospital was calling our home looking for him as it was urgent he return to the hospital because he has a blood infection.  Everyone got all worried and ralled up and in a panic brough him back to the hospital.  He ended going back to the hospital...talk about stress. 

Despite all that drama we had a nice lunch with friends on Monday (the 26th).  Friends came by for another enjoyable meal (that distracted my mom). 

Our neighbors stop by with an awesome gift for Anderson, they are so generous and they are in love with my Alex. 

Alex's mom and sister made amends in Portugal.  They may never be best friends, but looks like they are speaking.  She got her Christmas miracle.  My mom is so hoping for hers for my brother.

Overall it was an enjoyable weekend with lots of activity, some worry and lots of presents and family/friend time!  Oh and lots of pictures (but not nearly as much as I had hoped).  

I will have to have another post listing out the changes for next year.   Plus  I would like to list our traditions!!   

18 Months Old - Fun Tims

Happy Birthday my prince.  Mommy loves you more than you can ever imagen. 

Life is so much fun with our little buddy.   I smile just thinking this is only the beginning. 

One day I will fill this in with all that Anderson does, but for now, know that I love him with all my heart. 

Love
Mommy,

December 1st and MOMMY

How did the month of November just rush by?  I can't believe it is the first day of December and I still have yet to do my bucklist for December/Holidays?  I will have to work on that tonight. 

I wanted to document that yesterday was the first day that Anderson said Mommy.  As opposed to mama.  He sounded so grown up.  At first I thought it was a mistake but today he said it again.  Melt my heart.  How did I get so lucky to be his mommy?  It hasn't been all roses and sunshine either...he has been cranky and sleeping horribly since he has a cold, ear infection, conjuctivitis and the croup.  I still wouldn't change anything right now (except to work less and be with him more). 

Happy December. 

Start

November 8, 2011
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Freezer Meal

I need to get organized.  I feel out of control in my own (very small) home.  We all like to sit down and have a home cooked meal every night (yes every night).  This seems so overwhelming to me (which usually results in take out at least two days a week).  I feel like we have gotten in a cooking rut.  I always make the same things.  I need to get out of this rut!!!  There are so many awesome recipes out there...I just need to get organized. 

First step, I wanted to put a list together of meals I would cook ahead of time, IF I ever had the time to spend a weekend cooking.  I would like to have a stash in the freezer, ready to whip out on Saturday afternoon, or a long day at work, or a busy shopping day, etc.

Here's my list...(then I have to come up with a plan on how I am actually going to cook in advance).

Meatballs
Meatloaf
Meat sauce (with peppers and onions)
baked pasta
Chili
cooked chicken - for quesidilias or casseroles
chicken divan
baked chicken spaghetti (PW)
chicken soup
chicken (or beef) vegetable soup
pork and onions for bifanas (marinate before hand or already cooked)
stewed beef tips (Ana's method)
Tuna casserole
stewed beans
stewed peas
cooked bacon (for sandwiches, omelets)
Muffins, quick breads


Need foil pans
Need freezer tape (with name, date and cooking instructions)
Now all I need is the time!!

Happy 17th Month Birthday

Where has the time gone?  I swear October flew by...I blinked and it was over.  I wish life would slow down a bit...

Happy Birthday my cutie pie, mommy loves you more than you will ever know. 

Happy Halloween - MOOOO

Can you guess what A was for Halloween/????  Never much like Halloween, but now I do - for little A

Fall Bucket List

Happy Fall!  Today was the first really chilly day.  I was cold this morning, burrr...

I always considered myself a summer girl.  I love the beach, swimming, summer vacations, etc.  What fun memories of my childhood summers at the beach!  But now the heat is really starting to bother me.  The sweat, the humidity, the wanting to be home and spending time with my child...but having to work...bummer, bummer, bummer....I digress.  With that said, I'm really starting to love the Fall!  I love the pumpkins, wearing sweaters, the chill in the air and snuggling under blankets (yeah!).

Similar to my summer to do post I wanted to plan out our family fun for the FALL.  Like summer, I am a bit late with this list.  I have seen so many cute lists on blogs and Pinterest!  Fall is already in full swing so here is my LIST: 

• Harvest all our pumpkins from the garden and decorate our front entry DONE
• Purchase a MUM for the front entry  DONE
• Harvest all our squash from the garden (and make lots of squash recipes) 
• Carve a Pumpkin?
• Make Pumpkin Bread
• Make Buy Anderson's Halloween Costume  DONE
• Go to Topsfield Fair (caramel apple and the pig races)
• Go apple picking at Brooksby Farm (maybe a hayride and an apple cider donut)
• Visit Connors Farm (Corn Maze)
• Jump in Leave Pile  (photo shoot in leave pile like last year)
• 4th Annual Arthur & Marlene Parent Halloween bash (we all need a costume)
• Trick-or-Treat!!!
• Nature Hike
• Celebrate our Wedding Anniversary!!  (buy a gift!!)
• Celebrate my MOM's Birthday!!  (buy a gift)
• Fall getaway weekend up North!   DONE

Pretty soon I will be doing a Winter/Holiday Bucket List!!  We better get going on this list! 

16 Months Old

Happy Birthday Anderson.  I love you more than blueist sky.  You are my everything. 

Time is going by so fast.  I can't keep up.  I just want to soak up every last moment with my little guy and my little family!! 

Kisses

Am I ready for this???

I know I want another baby and with the big 4-0 looming over my head I know the time is now. 

So what's the worry about? 

I just keep picturing myself getting two kiddos ready for daycare in the morning and I am scared at the work and the responsibility.  Scared.  Are most people scared when they think of all the work and responsibility of being a mom?  I am being honest, I get scared. 

I also picture myself having to give insulin shots during pregnancy and I get scared.  I'm scared of complications.  I'm scared of my diet and health.  I know I will worry through out the pregnancy (I'm not pregnant now). 

With that said and despite my fears I took my last pill on Wednesday 7-13-11.  So exciting!  I'm at the point, if it happens it happens.  I want it to.  I hope it does.  But, honestly, I'm scared AND excited all at once (same as with Anderson)!  I have to be ok if it doesn't happen too (maybe?)...???  Scary!

A few weeks ago (months now) we visited a friend with a newborn.  Anderson was curious and watched closely as I held this new very tiny one week old baby.  I even decided I would try to hold both (just to see) and both started to squirm and I started to get nervous (because I have a newborn that is not mine in my care)!  It seems very overwhelming.  I stressed out.  Can I do this? 

I know I will be overwhelmed at first, but with time we get accustomed to life.  It will be hard at first (no doubt) just like adjusting to being a mom was difficult (at least it was for me), but we will get through it and probably thrive.  I feel my family is not yet complete (call me selfish).  I want A to have a friend, a family member that he will grow up with, share memories with and drive me crazy with (hee hee).  I want them to play together, count on each other and share responsibilities together.  I don't care if we have a boy or a girl.  At first I really wanted one of each, now I really really don't care.  A healthy baby is all I care about.  That's it.  Nothing else matters in life, just a healthy baby.  Period.  I feel so strongly about that. 

Alex has been very mum on the subject (although we have decided to try again).  I'm sure he is scared too (for my health, for our family dynamics changing, for finances - two college tuitions, a small house etc).   He was really quiet about it so I had to ask the question if he really was ready for another and I encouraged him to be honest because I was scared and needed his support.  We could wait a bit longer if it wasn't quite right.  He said yes but...after some prodding he confessed he's concerned our current home is too small.  "Where will the baby go?"...he said.    It was weighing heavy on him - being able to provide for his family.  He also said he wanted for us to have a bigger house and all the things we wanted (large yard, bigger closets, fireplace, jacuzzi) and I told him we could still try to get all that, but our current house was just fine (I love our home).   If we were blessed with another boy they will share a room, and if it's a girl we will make the computer room a bedroom (or we could move by the time we actually had to worry about them having their own rooms).  I was happy we were being honest about our worries.  He's on board too.  I'm feeling a lot better and ready (that means for me).

So Am I ready for this?   Yes.  I'm putting on big girl pants and moving forward. 

Progress. 

15 Months Old - I love him!!

My little cutie is 15 months old!! 

Life has gotten to be so much fun now.  A's personality is starting to shine.   But tantrums have started during August.  He listens but only when he wants to.  He literally looks back as he runs away from me. 

He's too cute and the owner of my heart.  I love you my little man. 

Love Mommy

first hair cut - August 20, 2011

Little A (or not so little) had his first hair cut this past weekend.  He looks so grown up.  He hated every minute of it and so did I.  I loved his curls, but it was just so not manage-able in the front.  He was getting his bangs in his eyes.  I do like how it came out, but it could have been a little longer (so that we could have more curls).  The gentleman that did the cut did the best he could (considering A was crying hysterically), but the lines are not that straight!!  They will grow out eventually.  I will get a picture on here eventually. 

My little buddy and all his firsts, I love it so much.  A is my joy and he adds so much fun into our day.  Love you little buddy! 

Mom

I'm ready

I feel it, I'm ready for #2. 
I even thought I may already be but that has been determined already (thank you henrieta). 

I am putting it out there...
We are ready.   
Granted I'm still scared, but who is all responsible and not scared? 

I'm excited...
stay tuned.

Date Happy

Happy Friday!! 

The weather is beautiful and the weekend is upon us.  Doesn't get much better than this (well I could be on vacation)! 

At work today I was working on a project that was done by someone else last year on June 4, 2010.  That made me smile, thinking back to that day.

Is it always this way?  Just smiling when I think back to the birth of my baby boy.  I love  him so much!! 

Happy Weekend. 

14 Months Old

So cute and loveable...my little guy is 14 months old today!! 

Happy Birthday my snugbug! 

Mommy loves you!! 

An Update - Tooth #12 and #13 and counting...

August already, can you believe it?  I can not!  The summer is flying by. 

Today is the most beautiful summer day.  Perfect in my mind.  I want to run outside and not come to work...but no such luck.  I want to go swing with Anderson at the park.  (We still have to go get him a swing!!)  I would love to hang by the lake or sit at the beach and enjoy being outside.  But nope.  Summer is almost over (at least everyone makes you feel like it is) and I feel like I have so much more summer living to do before we start wearing sweaters and jackets. 

Anderson has been growing by leaps and bounds.  It is mind blowing really.  We sit and watch him in awe.  He's smart and is listening to commands now (go get your turtle...and he GOES and gets it!).  Unbelievable!

Anderson is officially walking more (or just about the same as crawling).  AND he is getting better every day at walking!! 

He's eating better too.  He actually self fed almost all of his food yesterday (meat, rice, peas and strawberries).  He FINALLY ate a piece of fruit (strawberries) yesterday.  Just shy of his 14 month birthday.  One small step for man one giant leap for A's development. 

Life is speeding by in warp speed.  I can't keep up with life...or if I try to keep up (and do it all) I feel a whirlwind is spinning around me (and I get totally exhausted).  I want to capture my baby this way, at this moment and keep these memories fresh in my mind forever.  I know that is not possible.  That is why I try to photograph and film him as much as possible.  But it never seems like enough.   I have no doubt when I am old and grey I will be looking back remembering the good ole days (and that day is today!).  I will be trying to remember the times when the baby was a baby!! 

I wish A could stay this way forever (cute, cuddly and still somewhat listening to me).  A's personality radiates enthusiasm...I love it.  He's a happy boy...for the most part (we all have our moments). 

How is it possible that one little guy stops three adults (me, dad and vovo) in the house in our tracks and makes us ooze with happiness, pride and joy?  How is that possible Mr. little guy?  Mr. A has that power and I hope he uses it wisely.   

His teeth are coming in and I have officially lost count of them all.  The teeth are everywhere and he is drooling like crazy.  I see the whites around the gummy flesh and that must be hurting him.  He's been putting some stuff in his mouth as well (but not too bad).  He barely complains but I imagine all those molars cutting in at the same time must be painful.  Yes, if he cries in the middle of the night I hold him.  I go to him and hold him and we snuggle.  Yes, I do.  I don't mind - for the most part.  Of course waking up EVERY night does have its limits on the body and mind though.  Becoming exhausted and tired and grumpy and weepy is no fun, but lately it hasn't been that way.  When A wakes up during the night we cuddle for a little while and he usually goes right out.  There are some exceptions.  Like for example, the other night A was seriously crying and that broke my heart, but after a few hours I was beside myself and crying too.  I gave him some hylands ointment on his teeth, some gripe water for his toots, then a little Tylenol and finally HOURS later I figured maybe he was hungry and gave him a bottle.  He went right out!   But I was a mess.  Last week was a bit rough in the sleep department, but I hope that is over.  This week is better, he's been sleeping so much better...but he did wake up for a little while (20 minutes) last night. 

Last night I was wired and up for a while (which doesn't happen too often, thank goodness).  I sat there in the dark and wonder if I am up for the responsibility of raising a baby...one baby?  Am I doing enough?  Will he have friends?  What else should I be doing?  Will he be shy, anti-social, or friendly?  Will he like school and play sports or an instrument.  I wonder if I have a second child, will I have double the worry or do you ever doubt yourself less (because of experience)?  Am I up for this?  Can I do it?  I swear insecurity is the enemy of parenting.  Insecurity is the enemy of many things. I wish I weren't so insecure.

I try not to let myself get in my own way...but sometimes I trip myself up.  Bummer.  Many times I try to ignore myself.  Hee Hee :)  Does that make sense?

I love Anderson so much, its all consuming.  What did I concern myself with before? 

It's official - walking

when do you consider your baby to be a walker?  Well A definately prefers crawling, but there is no denying that he can walk accross the kitchen (wobbly but still, he's walking). 

So it is official.  My toddler is walking he is 13.5 months old.  I'm so proud of my little guy.  Life is so exciting going through all these first with him.  It's such an honor to watch and be part of it.  He is a little being and his personality is totally coming out.  I love it, I love being witness to him growing and becoming a little guy! 

Kisses to A. 

Tooth #11

During some crying yesterday I noticed that little A had another tooth coming in.  It is a moeller on his upper left side.  Poor guy.  Those teeth must hurt. 

He currently has his top 4, bottom 4 plus one moeller on top right, one moeller on bottom right and his new top left makes 11.

Little A was up for two hours last night.  He couldn't sleep, he cried and he was grumpy overall.    I'm needing some toothpicks. 

Happy Weekend

Summer List 2011

Now that I have this blog I would love to start a new tradition (and copy what I have seen others in the blog world do) and plan out fun activities for the summer.  I realize I am a bit late with this list (and some of the list has already been accomplished, thank you very much), but I like having "lists".  I'm a list girl.  I find pleasure in crossing things off.   Plus, when the weekends come I can eyeball the list and have no doubt there is plenty to do! 

Some items are obvious (go to the beach), but somehow listing the goals make me feel like I'm enjoying summer and enjoying the season.   I'm not just stuck at work all summer; never enjoying the carefree nature of the season. 

Without further delay....here we go:

Summer 2011 goals:

• Go to Portugal for 2.5 weeks and start the season off great!!  DONE!!
• Go hiking (strolling) at Breakheart Reservation in Saugus
• Plan a Red Sox night!
• Our annual fried clam meal in Essex (Woodman's!) with VoVo
• Go to the Children's Museum, Aquarium, Zoo, or Butterfly Farm
• Plant flowers (thanks daddy) - our favorites Dahlias (we have planted them every year since Alex came to the states, they remind me of "us")
• Cut Hydrangeas from our garden and ENJOY them!!
• Spend time outside everyday enjoying Daddy's hard work 
• Plant a vegetable garden (thanks daddy) include Anderson's favorite - Butternut Squash and something fun (beans - they are growing and getting out of control)
• Harvest our vegetable garden as we go   
• Library (signing books)
• Go fishing with Daddy (Anderson and his Daddy)
• Go to Salem Willows  
• Visit Richardson's and the cows!  (and eat ice cream)
• Visit Brooksby Farm and the animals
• Sign up for Gymboree (or Little Gym) for the hot swealtering days
• Plan a play date with the birthday twins
• Attend daycare's family day (??) 
• Make waffles and strawberry sauce with our strawberries 
• Make strawberry shortcake with our strawberries
• Enjoy fresh blueberry pancakes (farm stand fresh) 
• Beach Day with the Tias
• Eat lots of watermelon
• Try root bear floats
• Lobsterfest
• mani and pedi (with vovo too) 
• Crab Legs with Uncle Tom
• Make homemade ice cream (strawberry, french vanilla)
• eat fresh blackberries from our garden - thanks Daddy
• visit farm stands (purple potatoes and fresh corn)
• Enjoy Kiddie Pool 
• Concerts in the Park (Sundays 6-8pm Leather City Commons 7/17 to 8/14)
• Picnic in the park (see above) 
• Farmers market in Peabody (at the Library 8/13 to 9/17), Tuesday at the Courthouse
• Briana's Play - Shakespeare in the Park
• Craft - laminate pictures of family/friends to teach Anderson
• Open fire pit BBQ (steak tips, hot dogs, smores, and ribs)
• visit neighbors fire pit!
• go to Bradley Palmer (in Topsfield) water park

Summer is such a fun time.  I hope to enjoy it as a family and have as much fun as possible.  I want to have these all checked off by September 21!

Enjoy!!  

June flew...

The month of June just flew by....
Lots going on. 
I'm hoping the rest of the summer goes slower. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDERSON

A year ago I was holding my baby in my arms.  Such loving and sweet memories!!  More to come on Anderson's big day!!  Love you so much sunshine!

Last day as a 0 - end of an era.

This post is about my baby's last day as an 0!! Has a year really already past?  I stop and think about the day I found out I was pregnant (October 5, 2009) - has it really been nearly two years.  I still get tingles thinking back to that day.  The day my life changed forever.  The day that I knew something bigger, more important than myself existed and I took on the responsibility (not without fear). 

This time last year...oh the joy!!  I feel like my life was just beginning.  It's hard to remember my life before Anderson!  Isn't that strange?  I was 37 when Anderson was born and I did have a life before he was born, but those memories are so distant.  What was important then are not even on the radar anymore.  Funny how that is. 

Tomorrow Anderson is a one year old.  I am a mother of a one year old.  I am no longer a new mother. (Ok maybe I am, lets not get ahead of ourselves). 

Oh my heart is going to explode!!  I wanted to spend today just cuddling, holding and kissing my little guy...but no I am at work trying to get these urgent issues done to go home and get my last minute party errands done.  Still so MUCH to do. 

Love Note to Anderson:

Happy Last day as "baby" Anderson.  Mommy loves you - today and everyday, but more today than yesterday.  You are my joy.  My purpose.  My being.  I feel so much love for you that sometimes I don't know what to do with myself!  It's overwhelming and I find myself tearing up.     

I see a change in your look...you actually look like a toddler - so grown up.  You are becoming a child and no a longer a baby. Although I wish time would slow down a bit, I am happy to sit back and enjoy the ride that loving you brings!!  All I can do is try to live in the present and celebrate each fleeting moment of your childhood.  Your babyhood...I feel it slipping away so quickly.  (Don't worry, I have a feeling that I will be calling you my baby FOREVER!!) 

Anderson you bring so much joy and life to our family, and you give my days purpose and meaning.  I am more than honored to be your mommy...a title I take to heart everyday.  Thank you for all the joy, the smiles, the love.  Your smile every morning - I live for that!  

I could go on and on.  But for now know that I love you to the moon and back twice.  That's a lot.  

God Bless you Anderson!  Happy Almost Birthday!! 

Love, 
Mommy

Almost One

I'm doing my best to savor my baby.  He is turning one in a few days.  Can you believe it?

I like to watch him.  I just like to look at him.  I feel like he grows overnight.  I swear he is bigger sometimes the next day.  Last night I worked late and as I was driving home I began to get teary eyed.   What is wrong with me?  I missed him.  I hadn't seen him in 11 hours and I started to tear up because I missed him so much.  Oh jeese.  I am a sap. 

When I drove into the driveway.  There was A hanging out with VoVo and daddy.  Daddy had him on a new outdoor rug and A was getting use to the texture.  He chose to just lie down and look up at the sky (so cute).  I immediately wanted to just scoop him up and shower him with kisses!  But I contained myself.  A's big smile was enough to tie me over.  I gave Daddy a kiss first (I read somewhere that we as new moms should always kiss Daddy first - should I still consider myself a "new mom") then I kissed my mom (who took the day off to be with my baby ALL day).  Then I wanted to just squeeze him.  But you know what.  He wanted Daddy.  Go figure.  Burst my bubble.   

I love you my little guy.  You are slowly taking over my entire heart.  Actually you already have.  You own it.  You owned it as soon as I found out I was pregnant.  Then it became solidified when you were born (nearly a year ago).  And NOW?  Now, I'm just walking around with baby Anderson hearts all over my thoughts, feelings and emotions.  I love you to the moon and back, multiple times.  Happy almost first birthday.

Weekend Plans???

Today is Friday before a long weekend.  I am so ready for some down time...although I'm not sure how much time will be resting.  I do hope to enjoy the great weather with my little guys (and my big guy if he slows down to enjoy it!!).   We are in full party prep mode AND vacation mode.  I just want to enjoy my little munchkin during his last week as a baby.  MY little baby is turning one and I can't help but feel a bit nostalgic - thinking of where we were this time last year.  Makes my heart smile and makes me swell with love and pride.  He will be one in a weeks time and he is already looking so grown up.  He looks like a little man getting ready to start school (ok, maybe not, but he's getting so big!).  I want to savor all those moments with my little guy.  

I also need to do my master to do lists and get prepared for the big party (which mostly means I am cleaning the house and cooking).    BUT I will enjoy my little guy as well. 

Have a great weekend.  Thank you for all the troops who sacrifice so much for our barely recognized/appreciated freedoms. 

Beijinhos.  Kisses

Planning the big bash

The planning continues...

We are definitely going with the Barnyard theme. So much fun!!   

I have all these plans and ideas but seeing as we are three weeks away...I need to start limiting my ideas and just acting on my thoughts/plans!!  I have too much searching for projects, but never actually do any of them (although I want to).   For example, I wanted to do animal cupcakes.  Realistically will I have time?  I am just adding stess to myself on a day that doesn't warrant additional stress. 

The invites are out and I am happy on how they came out!

Now I have to go order plates, hats, napkins, tablecloths…favors.   We have some contenders but I can't decide.  Sometimes I get ahead of myself with all the details. Indecision is my middle name. Time to get cracking with the details....

According to a Party Checklist I found (from other organized bloggers) I am feeling way behind.  There is still so much to do according to Another Checklist  I found!
It will all come together in the end. I love seeing all the parties from other bloggers. Some go all out and some keep it simple. I'm thinking we are going to be in the middle. Just the size of the party will keep it from being simple...but I don't want to go over board either. I can't wait!! (What? Really?).

I'm trying to remember this party is for Anderson and for his Mommy and Daddy! We have survived and thrived this past year...it's time to celebrate! 

I also can't believe Anderson is a year old already (or going to be soon). I am sad and happy at the same time. I really cherished this past year and I really tried to in live in the moment with him…(and I let other things slip like house cleaning, other obligations, gym, etc).  I don't regret any of it.  Not much I would do differently (of course there are some things but overall I am happy).  Overall its been wonderful being a mom. What a bitter sweet time...watching the last momemts of infantcy, and the new adventures of toddlerhood emerging.   I love Anderson so much!!  

Anderson is 11 Months Old Today

Happy Monthly Birthday to my sweet boy.  I love him more than I can ever put on paper.  I find myself saying I love you to the moon and back!! 

I will update with pictures and updates.  One day. 

Perfect Princess - the Royal Wedding

Today was so much fun watching a fairy tale unfold.  I loved the dress, the veil ... so sophisticated.  She looked beautiful!!  Cheers to them!! 

I still remember Princess Diana and Prince Charles' wedding.  This is history in the making.  When we look back on this day I will remember my little guy was 10 months (almost 11) old! 

They look so beautiful and happy.  I hope the fairy tale holds true and they live happily ever after... 

Shaking and Moving

An update on Anderson is needed since so much has been going on with him ...

This past week I have seen lots of changes in Little A.  He is definitely scooting around better while on his belly.  He pivots easily and rotates and moves backwards...he's doing this with ease while on his belly (he does complain after a little while but he's handling being on his belly a lot more).  He is still not creeping forward (while on his belly).  This week he has gone from being on his belly to sitting!!   It is so cute to watch.  He concentrates so hard while he is doing it and then when he gets to sitting he looks to me like -  see I told I could do it!!  I'm so proud.  

He also can go from sitting to down to his belly - pretty controlled too.  While down on his belly he is rolling around more and more.  He is even lifting his belly off the floor and he puts his hands and knees in crawling position!!  Last weekend (4/16/11) he even rocked back and forth on all fours!!  OMG, what progress.  Seems like overnight.     

In the last few weeks (April), A has been rolling a lot in his bed when he is getting ready to nap.  He rolls from side to side, on to his back and puts his head down and lifts his butt up!!  So cute.  Yesterday was the first time he has slept on his belly!  I was so scared, but he got himself comfortable in that position and there he stayed.  He took an hour an half nap.  I noticed his morning naps are getting longer and I am sure that is because he is up so many times a night.  I really miss my baby sleeping all night with no wake ups.  He use to do it but now he is not.  I'm not sure why.  He wakes up crying and it isn't just once, last night was three times.  It makes for a restless night and I'm sure that is why he is taking longer naps in the morning?  I wish I could take naps in the morning too :)  I thought it was his cold (nasal congestion), or his cough or his ear infection or his teething or a 10 month wakeful...but it's been three weeks already and it's getting old.  He's learning some bad habbits and I want to nip it in the bud.  We will make some changes this weekend and see if that helps and we will have to regroup.

We lowered his crib a week or so ago because he is pulling up to standing from a sitting position.  Again, very cute to watch and he looks to us for confirmation and support once he is done.  He was wobbly at first but now he is pretty sturdy.  He even lets go of one hand and can easily stay standing.  He fixes his feet to be in a comfortable stance - cute!  Yesterday he even let go of both hands and stood alone for a second.  Awesome.  Little A is getting so big and growing.

Last Friday we got an evaluation from his day care providers.  They see him twice a week for about 12 hours, even less some times.  They were pretty blunt with the evaluation and said that certain skills are not at the same level as other infants his age.  Of course it is difficult to read.  I was upset and worried that Anderson could have some serious cognitive issues that need to be looked into.  My first thought was what if something is wrong with him - how can I help him?? 

I was disappointed that the evaluation did not offer any constructive suggestions or offer any suggestions on how to to see improvements in Little A's development.  It was just a summary of where he is at a particular time - 10 months.  Maybe some parents do not want suggestions???  There was not a single bit of insight given.  No exercise suggestions, no outlook to the future, no elaboration.  Very weak for a professional organization that caterers to children and that has been around for 20 years.   

I would have been devastated had it not been for the continued support of Early Intervention and the Occupational Therapist currently helping Anderson with his torticollis.  She has been super helpful with Anderson and, even more so, she has been super helpful to me.  She "teaches" me exercises to work on with Anderson.  She's been helping with Anderson's neck, (he favors one side) and she has been working on his crawling and gross motor skills.  She has been excellent and I notice a big change him.  If I had gotten that review from daycare without knowing what I know because of EI and OT, I would have been so much more distraught/disappointed/sad.

So April has been a whirlwind month so far.  It is flying by.  I feel exhausted by worry, overwhelmed with the speed of life, bouts of guilt, insecure and mentally drained.  I hope things change.  Actually I'm almost certain they will...

Tuesday, Not so good

Monday night to Tuesday was bad.  Anderson cried a lot.  It was a different cry, a heavy, I'm in pain kind of cry.  He wanted to cling to Daddy.  Poor Daddy had some pain with his back to begin with, but with the baby clinging he was feeling some pain.  There was no comforting Little A.  My poor little guy.  We tried peek a boo...that would work for a minute but then the tears would well up again.  That's it going to the doctor. 

With the hacking cough, the restless nights, lose of appetite (he didn't want any supper) and a bit of a wheeze going on with his breathing...I was a worried mess for my little guy. 

Tuesday first thing, I called the doctor.  We went he has an ear infection.  The cough does not seem to be in his lungs so it is most likely viral (per the doctor).  He probably keeps on re-catching the virus...that is what the doctor said.  So now he is on more antibiotics and we got the nebulizer again for the breathing.  She did warn us that this newer, stronger medication will most likely cause diarrhea. 

I felt better knowing that he is now on his way to feeling better.  Last night he slept and slept and no wake ups!!  Yeah.  He also slept til 9am, making me very late for work.  I don't care though, I just want him to feel better. 

The nebulizer and the train didn't quite work out the same as last time!!  NOPE, he cried in hysterics.  He does not like the train.  Maybe he will come around. 

Get better little buddy. 

Monday morning fresh!

Not sure what it is...but today seems like a whole new day and things are looking brighter. 

Actually I do know what it is.  Sleep. 

Little A slept through the night.  Thank you God.  I am so happy. 

Last week was a rough week.  Especially with Little A's sleep.  I did a little surfing and come to find out there is a 9-10 month wakeful...so that is what I hope it was and that it is OVER. 

Last week, he would wake up at least two times a night and cry and cry and there was no sleeping for anyone.  But yesterday, Sunday night to Monday...he slept from 8:30 to 7.  I feel happier, like a new person. 

Last week was also rough due to our daycare issues, Little A's constant cough that never goes away and my cough that is lingering.  Plus A is starting to be more difficult with his eating.  He's also started to shake his head no (and I could swear I saw his eyes roll back one time).  And, of course, there is the constant worry of him reaching his milestones.  I want to decide to let go and "not worry" and be rational...babies develop at different times  He will develop at his pace (crawling, standing, finger foods etc), but I can't turn the worry button off and I wonder "what if" something is really wrong.  So much pressure! There is vacation planning, paying bills, budgeting, worrying about other family members' health, getting our taxes done and party planning (or lack thereof) and I am exhausted...even without the sleep issues.  Oh, and working full time too.   

But we have a fresh new start this week....here's hoping it goes better. 

Plus today is suppose to be nice out...we may even hit 70! 

Baby Sitter and day care woohs...

Happy Thursday. Not so much.

My wonderful, wonderful friend who was watching Anderson has gotten a job. I miss her terribly. I loved knowing she was with Anderson. She loves him to pieces...there is such joy in knowing that others love my baby as well. They got along great too. Bummer. It was great while it lasted. She watched him from October through March...so nice.

Now we need to find coverage for the days she watched him. My mom (bless her soul) has changed her hours at work. She will work on Saturday and take off Monday. She will have Anderson all day Monday! We have already done it twice already and it is WONDERFUL. I leave and I don't have to rush A anywhere. It's really comforting knowing that A is home, with all his toys and that grandma has him (and is spoiling him). If only she could drop Thursday too...but no such luck (and I shouldn't push my luck).

So I am looking for Thursday. I have signed up Anderson for Emergency daycare in Boston. That is a hike to bring him in...but I need to find an alternative and none are coming my way. What to do? His current day care has no room on Thursdays. Bummer. They will not have room until June 20. I am now looking for a new day care that includes Thursdays, but haven't had any luck. Plus I'm not sure I want to have Anderson go through that transition. What to do???

So last Thursday (March 31) was Anderson's first day in Boston. The drive in went fine. He fell asleep. The ride on the train was great!! Drop off...that is were it went down hill. He started to cry as soon as the girl picked him up. He got pretty upset and it tore my heart to pieces. I had to fill out paperwork and they tried to entertain him but he just wanted to come to me. I tried to get him to calm down, but nothing worked. So I had 'mom up', hold myself together (barely) and told them that if he continued like this for very long after I left to give me a call and I will come and get him. They assured me that he would be fine. But I was not fine. I cried all the way to the office!! I even had to shut my door and get myself together once I arrived. Within an hour, I got an email. Anderson was happy as could be eating his puffs!! They emailed me to let me know that he was doing great. He was looking out the window and smiling at all the cars and trucks. Made my day!!!

The ride home was ok, he was a trooper. Night time??? Well that was a different story. He was super clingy. He wanted only mama or dada. We went to walking night at my friends house and he wanted none of it. He didn't want to be with anyone, didn't want anyone to hold him or play with him. He was a crab and so fussy!! We left early and got him right to bed. It seemed like A was crabby all weekend long. Could it be the daycare left him so upset? Could it be teething? What could it be????

Fast forward one week to today. What a production this morning. Anderson didn't sleep well last night (that means no one slept well, especially me and I am feeling worn down and over dramatic).

The emergency back up day care was full! Oh no! Regular day care was full...so I was without a sitter. Now I had to figure something else out and I am stressed!! I need to decide what to do. As I am contemplating my choices (all not very good) the phone rings and emergency day care in Boston has a cancelation so there is room.

So we make the long trek to Boston. He does great on the ride in. Falls asleep. Then the trains are delayed and we need to switch trains because there was a problem with the one we are on. Another delay, we wait and wait and I am wondering why I am even bothering. The train gets packed like sardines. Anderson just looks and looks. He was taking in his surroundings. Thank god he did not cry. A ride that takes 1/2 hour took over an hour. More stress. Ugh.

Then the dreaded drop off....at 11 am. I decide to take him out of the car seat in the hall way and hold him for a few minutes before going in.  I just chatted with him and told him that he was going to have fun today.  It just stared all around.  So curious.  The drop off was not so bad, he just grunted and looked at me. Break my heart (but only for a second). Thank god it wasn't like last week (I still can here his wailing). The only saving grace of the day so far...
I waited to hear if he would cry, around the corner where he couldn't see me and he didn't. What a trooper. He is awesome. I'm the one who is a wimp.

Lets just hope the ride home goes smoothly.

Happy Thursday...I don't think so for the next 10 weeks. ???? We will see.

 

 

Let the Planning Begin

We have started to plan Anderson's first birthday bash (and by we I mean ME). It's going to be big. Bigger than what I would like, but it's a day to celebrate and it is hard to cut out people from the list and not go overboard. I wish we could have two parties...one for family and one for friends...but that sounds like double the work.

I am going to try and make it about Anderson and celebrating his first year ... and me surviving his first year!! I take being his Mommy so serious. I take parenting Anderson seriously. I take shaping who he will become seriously...this will be the outlet for fun. I want to have fun with the baby and create some happy memories!!

I just know the baby will be overwhelmed with so much stimulation and will most likely cry. It is bound to happen, even for social babies (which Anderson is NOT, we are going through separation anxiety and stranger anxiety, BIG time). That is my biggest dilemma right now. We will have one quiet corner of the party to take him to once in a while (plus grandma has already said she would hold him! We will make sure if she gets too stimulated to take him to a quiet spot).

As for themes. I am leaning on Barnyard Bash...lots of cows, pigs, horses...and a big ole' picnic. My only wish is to make the cake. I have never made a cake before (decorated one for a party I mean)...so we will see how much time is left over for me to make a cake (I doubt it will happen).

I don't want to go overboard, with games and decorations and such...but I do want to have some splashes of fun everywhere and have a cohesive look.

There will definitely be lots of photos of the little guy...I've taken a photo every single day since he was born! 

Stay tuned for more updates!!  I need to look at this as fun - NOT stress over the work and decisions!  Fun Fun Fun.    I should start working on the photo banner NOW, since I already feel behind.   

Saying Ma Ma and othere ramblings

My little guy does Not say MaMa...but he's getting close!!  He is definately saying the M sound...constantly.  M M M MMMMMMM  Ma MMMMM  Ma

So cute and melt my heart. 

I love when he looks up at me and reaches out for me...I feel like the most important person in the world!!  Talk about a mood booster!  He does like to hug, which is super cute. 

He's been teething a bit and we had his 8th tooth pop in during the last week.  He now has 4 on top and 4 on bottom.  I also try to wash his teeth with a cloth...ouch!!  He bites down hard.  Not good.  We are trying to keep up everyday with the tooth brush.  He likes to do it himself.   Yup, Mr. Independent.  He has a weird thing going on with his upper middle tooth.  His right side.  It looks like his tooth is coming in from two directions - with his gums in the middle.  Strange.  I noticed it right after his face plant...so I hope that has nothing to do with it. 

Life is good with my little guy.  OH, and the basement family room has finally been completed.  Looks like we will be hanging out as a family again on the weekends...we finally get Daddy back!!  I am so excited for this!!  I am feeling a little less overwhelmed lately...which is good.  I'm not sure why I get that way and I am sure it is hormonal (that time of the month).  I also know having my husband up from the basement and available helps as well.  Now we need to work on the morning rush.  That is still a disaster. 

We are planning our summer vacation...our big trip to Portugal.  Should be fun, but I can't help but worry about all the "stuff" we will need to bring and the production to just have fun.  I kind of hate all the hoopla.  I see a big To Do list starting (who am I kidding - I have already started one!!).

Kisses!!

Face Plant

We had our first incident over the weekend.  I turned away for two seconds and then .... bang!  Head first tumble.  I think it hurt me more than the baby.  Only took 9 months...

My poor little guy.  I love him so much and can't stand to see him cry.  We gave him lots of kisses and hugs and he was 'all better' in one minute...ok, maybe two. 

Mommy fail...

Confused about the next step

Not sure why I feel the need to plan out everything and have everything figured out.  I'm struggling with the next step (and swamped with everything in my life right now).  I know our family is not quite complete and having a sibling for litte A is in the cards.   Just not yet.  I know it in my heart...

However, I got a little urked at Alex the other day.  We spent the day together (which we never get to do anymore).  We spent the afternoon running around doing errands and taking Anderson to his 9 month doctor's visit.  Everything was going so well. 

While we were driving I started rambling something to the effect...if I were to get pregnant now I don't think I could handle it...I would freak out, with having to take care of Anderson, working full time and having to deal with health issues (like diabities, giving myself insulin, blood pressure, being old)...ugh, it would be too much!  I just don't think I could handle it.

"Don't you think so Alex?" 

Alex says, "YES". 

Nice.

Nice support. 

I told him that was not the answer I wanted to hear.  I would much rather here "we can get through anything as long as we are a team".   A little support would be nice. 

Then as I fermented the anger inside me, I thought it over (in silence in the car).  Had he said what I think I would have liked to hear (see above)...I would have been like...you only say that because you wouldn't be the one pregnant dealing with the health issues...it's easy for you to say to be a "team" because you don't have to be the one pregnant!!   

So Alex would have lost that conversation either way.

Still confused.  But a little less urked.  :) 
 

Pregnancy Journey - the beginning

When do you know you are ready to have a baby? 


Do you ever feel 100% ready?   God knows I am not ready to have #2.  Will I ever be?  Another post for another day...


Lets go back to the start of my pregnancy journey. 

I am a planner.  I plan things out in my life because I hate Change.  I need to feel prepared.  I fear the unknown.  I need to know what is coming up next and plan, plan, and plan some more.  I need to figure out responses to potential issues and know (in my mind) how I am going to handle them.  It looks like I am a control freak but I really do not think I am (maybe?).  I'm a bit of pessimist (for my own life) but I am an optimistic (glass half full) kind of person.  I know I am double talking here.  Let's continue maybe I will make some sense...  

Lets discuss the big considerations I thought through before baby (these are my thoughts, not anyone else's, everyone thinks differently and these thoughts are YEARS old now).   This list is in no particular order.

• Does Alex want kids?  Check.   He was ready on our wedding day.  
• Marriage - Check  (call me old fashion) - double check - we have been married twice -  August 2006 and October 2007.   
• Marriage/Couple time - Check (this also means - are we ready for less "us" time).  For a while there I wanted our "couple time" and didn't feel ready to have kids.  Alex and I spent so many years apart, longing to be together and to finally have "us" ...I truly treasured it and, honestly, I had to get use to it.  I needed time to get use to being married and being a wife (read "change is hard for me").  It was nice just "us", but around late 2008 I started to evolve and move to the next step from "us" to "lets continue us to the three of us". 
• Does Alex want to share all the responsibilities of raising kids?  Check. Maybe the bullet should be...Does Alex show signs that he will share all the responsibilities of raising kids?  Two issues here.  1. I was raised by a single mom and that was really hard and not something I ever want to experience or put my baby through.  Growing up unloved by your father damages you and I absolutely do NOT want my kids to experience this.  {I suppose most single moms do not choose to experience this life - my mom certainly did not envision her marriage would end the way it did.}  I spent so many years never wanting to be married, never trusting anyone, never wanting a family of my own (because my home life was horrible)...lots of stuff to overcome.  My relationship with Alex has helped me overcome a lot.  Powerful stuff.  2.  I was also concerned that the old fashion Portuguese view of moms handling all of the baby rearing stuff may be hidden deep within Alex (I know men who announce they will never change a diaper!).  I did not want this for my family and neither does Alex.  He is a modern guy (from a not so modern rural area of Portugal).  I never would have married a traditional old school man, and I should stop doubting that Alex may "turn" into one.   
• Money.  Check.  Is there ever really enough?  No, but we are paying our bills and saving and we are both working hard.  Of course the economy can change all that in a second...but we are living like our jobs are going to continue and NOT end any time soon (even though they could) and we are both savers and thrifty.  If our jobs do end we will figure something out and we have some savings. 
• Genetic counseling. Check.  After some discussion with my (now former) PCP on some family issues she recommended we see a genetic counselor.  We did meet with a genetic counselor and there were tests done and all was great!    (We met with the doctor in February 2009, I had the tests done in March 2009 and got the results in early May 2009).  It was stressful at the time, but I am so glad we went through that process.  (When it came time for genetic testing while pregnant there was a bit less stress.)   
• My Health.  NO check.  In July 2008 during a routine annual exam my PCP mention that my blood pressure was high and that I should lose weight and maybe start to exercise a bit.  She wanted to see me in three months.  Well I joined Weight Watchers and did pretty well.   But then I fell off the band wagon (story of my life) when we went on vacation.  I have struggle with my weight my entire life.  But I wanted to jump back into to it...this is a baby we are talking about!!  But the pressure gets to me.  The more I want it, the more I stress about it.  I didn't gain, and made some healthy changes but I needed to lose a lot of excess weight if I wanted to have a healthy pregnancy.  My plan was to lose weight before getting pregnant because I would be looking at an uncomfortable 9 months if I didn't (I had visions of going out on disability at 5 months, or having to be wheeled around in a wheel chair).  I want to give my baby the best start...Great intentions....
• Biological clock.  It wasn't ticking it was more like thrashing around.  I'm not getting any younger (and healthier).  I wasn't too concerned...many people have babies in their 30's...but I'm pushing late 30's.  Plus I thought (at the time) I would like to have at least 2 kids. 

How it all came together:
I still remember a nice sunny day in Boston in December 2008 (I'm sure I have the date saved somewhere in my 2008 journal).  I was meeting Alex in town so that he could go get his fingerprints done at immigration.  He was filing for permanent residency (green card) and fingerprinting is a formality. 


As we were walking back to my office (hand and hand, smiling ear to ear) it finally hit me.  Why are we waiting?  This man is the love of my life and I feel so secure of our relationship...now more than ever.  How can I doubt everything and everybody because of one man (my father)?  Will the doubts ever go away (probably not, this is my nature, this is my personality)?  When will the time ever be "perfect"?  There is no "perfect" time, you just need to be ready mentally...and I finally felt like I was there. 

I hadn't planned to feel this aha moment on this particular day, it just sort of happened as we were strolling.  I think back to how I felt that day.  I felt giddy (like a first date).  Alex changed his life for me (moving here from Portugal, filing for permanent residency) and I loved him more that day than any other day since we met (and I love him more now as a father).  I guess (looking back) I was happy we were married and things were going well and we were still in love and happy (and not fighting like my parents did all the time).  Part of me thought he would up and leave and hate it here and hate being married.   I even thought he may end up hating me.  Nope...he loved me.  Go figure.   (I'm not saying we never argued or disagreed....we certainly did and still do). 

I remember looking at Alex with a grin on my face.  I asked Alex if he wanted to be the father of my children and he just looked at me kinda funny.  I then rephrased my question and told him that I wanted him to be the father of my children and that I was finally ready to move closer to getting pregnant.  Sweet memories.
 
Keep in mind the future was still uncertain and we were not really ready because I still had to lose weight, deal with my blood pressure and we still had to go through genetic counseling.  I decided I could still be afraid but that I wanted to move forward. 
In my mind I was finally ready to move forward (mentally) and that was an awesome day and an awesome feeling. 

That December 2008 -  I stopped taking birth control, started taking blood pressure medication AND we started to look forward to the future as parents.   

To be continued...

Me Time

I'm consumed with everything Anderson.  I love him to pieces.  He's my joy and my life and I just like to be around him.  He makes me smile and giddy.   I wish I could be with him all the time.  When I'm not with him I still think about him.  I worry about his milestones.  I worry about his constant runny nose.  I worry about day care.  I worry about everything!  Plus work is busy, life is busy...

However, I need to give myself permission to do activities just for me.  I hate to do anything that means leaving Anderson (I know he is still well cared for) ... because I miss him.   Then guilt settles in and I don't have any fun.   

It's funny, I don't even remember life before him.  I know life is not the same anymore (and it never will be), but I struggle to "allow myself" some time for "me".  What did I do with myself before Anderson?  I know that I need to take care of myself and have some "me time"..or my thoughts on ALL Anderson ALL the time will become all too consuming and my brain will be fried and I will be an unhappy and unproductive mama!!  

I found this wonderful post that focuses on this subject and I am so glad I found it.  I love Simply Seleta for the beatiful design posts and her writing.  Today, she hit home with me.   Here is a short blurb that I want to contanstantly remind myself with...

... he explained to me that in order for us to be our best selves, we need to NURTURE ourselves.  Take time to relax, regroup, do something we’re passionate about.  I told him I felt selfish and guilty when I did certain things for myself – mainly things that take time away from my family.  He made it very clear that it is not selfish to take CARE of yourself.  Funny, I try to make time for things like that but somehow they don’t always happen quite like I plan.  

So this Thursday I am joining the girls to celebrate a good friend's birthday with a manicure, pedicure, lunch and some shopping.  It should be fun and I will NOT feel guilty.  This means I am taking a vacation day from work...A vacation day that I am taking without Anderson.   A day for me...I feel selfish.  But I feel I need it.  I'm sure we will spend part of the day talking about the kiddos, so I will still think about Anderson.  Plus my friends are moms and give great advice (and often tell me to stop worrying about everything!  They also build my confidence by pointing out how great Anderson is and what a great job I have done so far.  They are the best).   I just have to shut off the guilt.    

It's ok to focus on me...and not feel guilty about it.  Repeat...
I will be repeating this mantra all week.  

It's ok to focus on me...and not feel guilty about it.  

Repeat after me. 

Divorce and Sadness

Good Monday morning. 

Today is gloomy Monday morning and it is pouring rain and cold.  Burr.  Feels like my mood...or the sadness I am feeling. 

Over the weekend a few things came up concerning couples who are divorcing.  I know of four couples (at least) who are newly divorced or are in the process of getting divorced.  It's so sad...any way you look at it.  Not sure why it is consuming my thoughts and why I let these things sadden me so much...

One couple includes a good friend who had a difficult marriage and seeing it end was "good" for her because she suffered for many years.  I was in her wedding.  It was such a happy time.  But even then there was some issues on the character of her husband.  I stood by her and gave him the benefit of the doubt and I supported him and never questioned him or their feelings for each other.  Boy was I wrong.  She has two small kids, she worked two jobs, cared for sick parents and her adult husband acted more juvenile than the kids.  It's still sad though...because he's still managing to make her life miserable.  The divorce is final.

Another couple, a favorite aunt/uncle are also splitting up.  That's difficult because we feel caught in the middle.  It's also hard because all of my memories include them both as a couple...now they are not a couple.  Plus when my parents were together and we would visit, I wished my parents could be like them...they looked so happy.  However, I've known for a long time that they are not happy.  We get first hand accounts from both sides.  It's tough for me.  Emotions are high and perceptions of each are so warped (and hurt, I guess).  They teach me (both aunt and uncle) how not to be in my relationship.  The divorce is in progress...

Another couple is my own brother.  Throughout their relationship I came to love my sister in law.  She really is funny and smart and she has this spunky personality that you just navigate too.  They have been separated/divorced now for nearly 3 years (July 2008, just shy of their one year wedding anniversary - this isn't a recent divorce, but something happened over the weekend that reminded me of it).  My brother lived us from July 2008 until February 2009.  It was a very difficult time.  It was messy.  It was difficult.  It was sad, with lots of tears.  One of the saddest times in my life (for more reasons than the divorce).  But I had nothing to do with the end of their marriage, but yet when my ex-SIL sees me she turns the other way as if she can't see me.  Even at church.  So painful.  So sad.  I know I have no right to be in her life now - she's moved on and is getting married.  But it is still very sad.  It's like all the good times have been buried by the pain of the separation/divorce (and I know my brother caused the pain).  She's entitled to hate me, I'm guilty (or evil) by association, I guess. I'm just sadden by it.  Her new husband's family is lucky to have her.    As she once emailed me, good luck to you and your future life...And just like that I am written off...sad sad sad.  Who knows what could have been????  Divorce is finalized...

Another is a couple at work.  I do not know the husband, but I get to hear first hand accounts of the gory details.  Its' sorted and messy and the drama is consuming her (and me if I get too close).  I could go on and on and on.  But it's just plain sad. 

The major divorce that I recall is my own parents.  There is so much that can be said about that and I will save that for another day.  Such a sad story, such a sad life.  But it has been more than 20 years.  Moving on.   

It's hard to see couples end and you do feel like you have to choose sides.  I also feel empathy for the couples because I can only imagine the pain and suffering they are feeling inside them.  I'm sure they felt as happy as I did on my wedding day...and they planned for their future to be together.  And, now, everything is over.

Here's to a brighter tomorrow.  Pray for married couples (including Alex and I) to get through the difficulties of everyday life.  Pray that we will always be there for each other.

Mommyhood progress

The last couple of months have been rough for me mentally and I haven't quite understood why.  I have started so many blog posts but deleted them because they were coming from a place that I didn't recognize.  After some soul searching and analyzing I think I finally figured out why (or at least partially). 

We have been wanting to redo our basement and "finish" it so that Anderson would have a play room.  His toys can all be contained, we would have our upstairs clutter free and we could add value to our home.  Win Win.  Alex wanted to do the job himself to save money.  That means weekends and any days off that come during the week would be devoted to the basement.  In years past Alex would have days off during the week because jobs were waiting to be inspected or poor timing on projects or for other reasons.  Well this year we are not seeing too many of these days unscheduled days off.  Alex always had the two weeks at Christmas and New Year's week off.  Not this year.  Alex has been working non-stop. 

Figures.  Having the basement project undone is driving Alex nuts.  It keeps him up at night.  It's all he thinks about, talks about.  He's tackling the job on his own and he is doing all the work all alone.  Plus he doesn't like to have projects linger.  He's consumed ... dare I say it obsessed.
Me, wanting to be the loving supporting wife, said go ahead and do the project.  I want the family room so we can all snuggle on the couch.  I want to have all the toys in one spot!  Great.  I will take care of the baby, dinner, cleaning and the nightly routine and weekend chores on my own.  I figured I could do it since he is putting his sweat into this project.

After about a month of construction, I noticed that I started crying and stressing at the drop of a hat (around late January).  Not sure what was wrong with me.  Why am I getting all worked up?  Why do I feel "mad" all the time.   

I started to see myself as failing in my multiple roles...and I felt I was doing everything half as*ed.  I was not "just getting by" but failing (at least that was what my brain was thinking).  I started to feel overwhelmed.  And then I DID feel overwhelmed, A LOT.  And then I felt Stressed.  And Sad. And these feelings were beginning to consume me.  I'm still dealing with them.  I'm trying to.    

Like I mentioned earlier, I thought about what was going on in my head and did some soul searching and analyzing.  I spoke to some really good friends about it (thank God for girl's night).  All assured me that these feelings are par for the course with a new baby and life will get easier and you will get use to it. 

Then, one day, out of the blue, I finally figured out why I was sad.  I came to the conclusion that I missed Alex.  I missed our family time at night.  I missed our weekends.  I missed his presence. His quiet assurance.  AND, and I missed his help. 

So I finally fessed up and told him that I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything and that I felt like I wasn't doing any of my roles well.  I told him that I felt like I wasn't being a good enough mom to Anderson (since he seems to be crying more, and not rolling over yet, not eating finger foods yet, etc), I felt like I was not a good enough employee (since I arrive late everyday and dream of quitting) and I felt like I was not a good enough wife (we never spend time together).  Not to mention - I'm not good enough to me personally.  I can't remember the last time I worked out (and I so need it).  Alex, in his most supportive way, told me that I am doing everything well and that we will get through this and he gave me a big hug.  That hug made me feel great.  It really did.  I couldn't believe his reaction, so supportive.  I felt closer to him and so glad I got it OUT.  I thought life should be good again. 

Then another week went by and those anxious overwhelming feelings came back.  What the heck?  I have been back to work since October...why am I feeling this way now.  Mommyhood and being a working mom and trying to get everything done is a work in progress.  Has the rush of running around finally taking its toll on me?   

It finally dawned on me that I need to make a change to our current routine.  BUT what? 

I finally asked Alex to not work in the basement on work nights.  The night time routine is too much stress, is overwhelming and making me exhausted.  Plus Anderson needs his Dad and they need to spend time together.  I asked Alex and he agreed.  So working on the basement will happen on weekends, Monday nights and Friday nights.  That's it.  And that is good enough in my book. 

Sometimes you need to ask for what you want.  Speak up.  SPEAK UP.  MOM UP.  Do yourself a favor. 

I am still a work in progress.  I have to learn to not "feel bad" that I am not super woman.  No one is.  I'm not unreasonable...so if something is bothering me it's probably because its a problem.  Definately, there are other issues that are still bothering me, but baby steps...

Family time at night has resumed and we are loving it.

Role Models for Fatherhood

I have been thinking a lot of what type of role models influence us...and by how much. 

I look at my husband while he is playing with Anderson and it makes my heart smile.  Not only is my face smiling, but I feel something inside me, like a beam of light trying to escape my chest.  I feel my heart wanting to explode...giddy like.  I feel like my heart is smiling with joy. 

I often wonder what kind of role models my husband had in his life.  Especially male role models.  And the effect they will play on Alex's role as Daddy. 

I know his dad wasn't really "there for him" after his parents separated.  They had a "falling out" in Alex's early twenties (maybe late teens).  Something that they could not recover from.  BUT, from the stories Alex tells me from his youth his dad was "a hands on" Dad (and his mom too)...they did "play" together, his dad thought him things, spent time with him and showed him a strong work "ethic".  Alex has never said that his father was a good role model ... this is just my conclusion after some of the stories he has mentioned about his childhood (I may be wrong).  If I asked Alex he would probably say he was not a good dad (maybe I should ask Alex?).  Alex's stories of his youth tell me that his dad was really a "father".  Unfortunately some (mid-life crisis) issues came up later in life that spoil the good memories.  Even more unfortunate - since they never made amends - we will never know what could have been.  Alex's dad died on January 22, 2009.

Another role model for Alex was his grandfather.  Alex had a really tight connection with his grandfather (his mother's father).  They were very close and Alex was the only one his grandpa would listen too.  Alex spent many weekends at his grandparents home (when he was a child).  I'm not too sure his grandfather was a great role model in the typical sense (there have been lots of stories of him being abusive and being an alcoholic).  However their relationship seemed perfect (he was never abusive to Alex).  His grandfather made him feel loved and special.  This just my take on what Alex tells me.  His grandfather loved Alex just because!  They had a friendship, a connection, they hung out and enjoyed their time together.  Alex use to push his grandfather around in the wheelchair and go for rides.  His grandfather always bought him candy at the store.  They would carve wood figurines together.  To have someone love you - for you - makes you feel special and loved...and they had that relationship.   Not sure when he died, Alex was probably in his early teens (??). 

This just makes me think about what kind of father Alex will be and how much of our parenting style comes from within ourselves and how much is taught by our parents/family? 

I worry sometimes because the two main (male) influences in Alex's life were not a stable force...They were not good role models for a good portion of their life (from what I have been told).

Seeing Alex with the baby.  Playing with him.  Loving him.  Making plans for their future together.  Making a play room for the baby...Wanting to go to Borders to get toys and books for him. It's awesome.  It's more than Awesome, it's Daddy in the making.  Alex is a good father.  I'm so proud of him.   

Anderson has a Daddy that loves him "just because" and it makes me super happy that Anderson has a positive role model in his life.  I pray that Anderson always has a Daddy that loves him and a Daddy he can depend on.  And I pray that Alex always wants to be the father that I see in him today.

As I type this I realize this post has more to do with my own history with my father.  The only experience I have with fatherhood is my experience with my father...which was not good.  I just hope and pray and pray and pray that Anderson NEVER experiences what my father did to me.  Abandonment scars you for life.  That's a scar Anderson WILL NOT HAVE - PLEASE PRAY FOR THAT. 

Hug a good father if you are lucky enough to have one.  It's not by accident that a father is a good Dad.  Don't take for granted having a good father because some of us do not have a father to look up to.

Life is great...most of the time!

I have started many posts about the trials and tribulations going on in my life.  I hesitate to ever post "complaints" or vents because I feel it makes it look like I am complaining or "suffering" or not enjoying life. 

Truth be told my life is the best it's ever been.  I am the happiest I have ever been.  I have never felt more alive.  I feel I live "on purpose" (or with purpose) now.   I feel like I have "peeked" - that this is as good as it gets - and that's ok.  But I also know that there is so much more to life still to come. 

With that said, life is the busiest it's ever been.  I have more responsibilities than ever before and I am shouldering a lot of taskes with my roles (wife, daughter, sister, employee, MOMMY).  Plus there is my resistance to change.  Plus a lot of the goings on with the baby (separation anxiety, daycare, colds, feedings, sleeping) are new to me. 

So I am going to be honest about the stresses in my life, but I also hope to put all the good out on the blog as well.  I will refer back to this post when I see too many negatives and complaints and remind myself (and anyone else who may read this eventually) that Life is GREAT...at least most of the time.