Saying Ma Ma and othere ramblings

My little guy does Not say MaMa...but he's getting close!!  He is definately saying the M sound...constantly.  M M M MMMMMMM  Ma MMMMM  Ma

So cute and melt my heart. 

I love when he looks up at me and reaches out for me...I feel like the most important person in the world!!  Talk about a mood booster!  He does like to hug, which is super cute. 

He's been teething a bit and we had his 8th tooth pop in during the last week.  He now has 4 on top and 4 on bottom.  I also try to wash his teeth with a cloth...ouch!!  He bites down hard.  Not good.  We are trying to keep up everyday with the tooth brush.  He likes to do it himself.   Yup, Mr. Independent.  He has a weird thing going on with his upper middle tooth.  His right side.  It looks like his tooth is coming in from two directions - with his gums in the middle.  Strange.  I noticed it right after his face plant...so I hope that has nothing to do with it. 

Life is good with my little guy.  OH, and the basement family room has finally been completed.  Looks like we will be hanging out as a family again on the weekends...we finally get Daddy back!!  I am so excited for this!!  I am feeling a little less overwhelmed lately...which is good.  I'm not sure why I get that way and I am sure it is hormonal (that time of the month).  I also know having my husband up from the basement and available helps as well.  Now we need to work on the morning rush.  That is still a disaster. 

We are planning our summer vacation...our big trip to Portugal.  Should be fun, but I can't help but worry about all the "stuff" we will need to bring and the production to just have fun.  I kind of hate all the hoopla.  I see a big To Do list starting (who am I kidding - I have already started one!!).

Kisses!!

Face Plant

We had our first incident over the weekend.  I turned away for two seconds and then .... bang!  Head first tumble.  I think it hurt me more than the baby.  Only took 9 months...

My poor little guy.  I love him so much and can't stand to see him cry.  We gave him lots of kisses and hugs and he was 'all better' in one minute...ok, maybe two. 

Mommy fail...

Confused about the next step

Not sure why I feel the need to plan out everything and have everything figured out.  I'm struggling with the next step (and swamped with everything in my life right now).  I know our family is not quite complete and having a sibling for litte A is in the cards.   Just not yet.  I know it in my heart...

However, I got a little urked at Alex the other day.  We spent the day together (which we never get to do anymore).  We spent the afternoon running around doing errands and taking Anderson to his 9 month doctor's visit.  Everything was going so well. 

While we were driving I started rambling something to the effect...if I were to get pregnant now I don't think I could handle it...I would freak out, with having to take care of Anderson, working full time and having to deal with health issues (like diabities, giving myself insulin, blood pressure, being old)...ugh, it would be too much!  I just don't think I could handle it.

"Don't you think so Alex?" 

Alex says, "YES". 

Nice.

Nice support. 

I told him that was not the answer I wanted to hear.  I would much rather here "we can get through anything as long as we are a team".   A little support would be nice. 

Then as I fermented the anger inside me, I thought it over (in silence in the car).  Had he said what I think I would have liked to hear (see above)...I would have been like...you only say that because you wouldn't be the one pregnant dealing with the health issues...it's easy for you to say to be a "team" because you don't have to be the one pregnant!!   

So Alex would have lost that conversation either way.

Still confused.  But a little less urked.  :) 
 

Pregnancy Journey - the beginning

When do you know you are ready to have a baby? 


Do you ever feel 100% ready?   God knows I am not ready to have #2.  Will I ever be?  Another post for another day...


Lets go back to the start of my pregnancy journey. 

I am a planner.  I plan things out in my life because I hate Change.  I need to feel prepared.  I fear the unknown.  I need to know what is coming up next and plan, plan, and plan some more.  I need to figure out responses to potential issues and know (in my mind) how I am going to handle them.  It looks like I am a control freak but I really do not think I am (maybe?).  I'm a bit of pessimist (for my own life) but I am an optimistic (glass half full) kind of person.  I know I am double talking here.  Let's continue maybe I will make some sense...  

Lets discuss the big considerations I thought through before baby (these are my thoughts, not anyone else's, everyone thinks differently and these thoughts are YEARS old now).   This list is in no particular order.

• Does Alex want kids?  Check.   He was ready on our wedding day.  
• Marriage - Check  (call me old fashion) - double check - we have been married twice -  August 2006 and October 2007.   
• Marriage/Couple time - Check (this also means - are we ready for less "us" time).  For a while there I wanted our "couple time" and didn't feel ready to have kids.  Alex and I spent so many years apart, longing to be together and to finally have "us" ...I truly treasured it and, honestly, I had to get use to it.  I needed time to get use to being married and being a wife (read "change is hard for me").  It was nice just "us", but around late 2008 I started to evolve and move to the next step from "us" to "lets continue us to the three of us". 
• Does Alex want to share all the responsibilities of raising kids?  Check. Maybe the bullet should be...Does Alex show signs that he will share all the responsibilities of raising kids?  Two issues here.  1. I was raised by a single mom and that was really hard and not something I ever want to experience or put my baby through.  Growing up unloved by your father damages you and I absolutely do NOT want my kids to experience this.  {I suppose most single moms do not choose to experience this life - my mom certainly did not envision her marriage would end the way it did.}  I spent so many years never wanting to be married, never trusting anyone, never wanting a family of my own (because my home life was horrible)...lots of stuff to overcome.  My relationship with Alex has helped me overcome a lot.  Powerful stuff.  2.  I was also concerned that the old fashion Portuguese view of moms handling all of the baby rearing stuff may be hidden deep within Alex (I know men who announce they will never change a diaper!).  I did not want this for my family and neither does Alex.  He is a modern guy (from a not so modern rural area of Portugal).  I never would have married a traditional old school man, and I should stop doubting that Alex may "turn" into one.   
• Money.  Check.  Is there ever really enough?  No, but we are paying our bills and saving and we are both working hard.  Of course the economy can change all that in a second...but we are living like our jobs are going to continue and NOT end any time soon (even though they could) and we are both savers and thrifty.  If our jobs do end we will figure something out and we have some savings. 
• Genetic counseling. Check.  After some discussion with my (now former) PCP on some family issues she recommended we see a genetic counselor.  We did meet with a genetic counselor and there were tests done and all was great!    (We met with the doctor in February 2009, I had the tests done in March 2009 and got the results in early May 2009).  It was stressful at the time, but I am so glad we went through that process.  (When it came time for genetic testing while pregnant there was a bit less stress.)   
• My Health.  NO check.  In July 2008 during a routine annual exam my PCP mention that my blood pressure was high and that I should lose weight and maybe start to exercise a bit.  She wanted to see me in three months.  Well I joined Weight Watchers and did pretty well.   But then I fell off the band wagon (story of my life) when we went on vacation.  I have struggle with my weight my entire life.  But I wanted to jump back into to it...this is a baby we are talking about!!  But the pressure gets to me.  The more I want it, the more I stress about it.  I didn't gain, and made some healthy changes but I needed to lose a lot of excess weight if I wanted to have a healthy pregnancy.  My plan was to lose weight before getting pregnant because I would be looking at an uncomfortable 9 months if I didn't (I had visions of going out on disability at 5 months, or having to be wheeled around in a wheel chair).  I want to give my baby the best start...Great intentions....
• Biological clock.  It wasn't ticking it was more like thrashing around.  I'm not getting any younger (and healthier).  I wasn't too concerned...many people have babies in their 30's...but I'm pushing late 30's.  Plus I thought (at the time) I would like to have at least 2 kids. 

How it all came together:
I still remember a nice sunny day in Boston in December 2008 (I'm sure I have the date saved somewhere in my 2008 journal).  I was meeting Alex in town so that he could go get his fingerprints done at immigration.  He was filing for permanent residency (green card) and fingerprinting is a formality. 


As we were walking back to my office (hand and hand, smiling ear to ear) it finally hit me.  Why are we waiting?  This man is the love of my life and I feel so secure of our relationship...now more than ever.  How can I doubt everything and everybody because of one man (my father)?  Will the doubts ever go away (probably not, this is my nature, this is my personality)?  When will the time ever be "perfect"?  There is no "perfect" time, you just need to be ready mentally...and I finally felt like I was there. 

I hadn't planned to feel this aha moment on this particular day, it just sort of happened as we were strolling.  I think back to how I felt that day.  I felt giddy (like a first date).  Alex changed his life for me (moving here from Portugal, filing for permanent residency) and I loved him more that day than any other day since we met (and I love him more now as a father).  I guess (looking back) I was happy we were married and things were going well and we were still in love and happy (and not fighting like my parents did all the time).  Part of me thought he would up and leave and hate it here and hate being married.   I even thought he may end up hating me.  Nope...he loved me.  Go figure.   (I'm not saying we never argued or disagreed....we certainly did and still do). 

I remember looking at Alex with a grin on my face.  I asked Alex if he wanted to be the father of my children and he just looked at me kinda funny.  I then rephrased my question and told him that I wanted him to be the father of my children and that I was finally ready to move closer to getting pregnant.  Sweet memories.
 
Keep in mind the future was still uncertain and we were not really ready because I still had to lose weight, deal with my blood pressure and we still had to go through genetic counseling.  I decided I could still be afraid but that I wanted to move forward. 
In my mind I was finally ready to move forward (mentally) and that was an awesome day and an awesome feeling. 

That December 2008 -  I stopped taking birth control, started taking blood pressure medication AND we started to look forward to the future as parents.   

To be continued...

Me Time

I'm consumed with everything Anderson.  I love him to pieces.  He's my joy and my life and I just like to be around him.  He makes me smile and giddy.   I wish I could be with him all the time.  When I'm not with him I still think about him.  I worry about his milestones.  I worry about his constant runny nose.  I worry about day care.  I worry about everything!  Plus work is busy, life is busy...

However, I need to give myself permission to do activities just for me.  I hate to do anything that means leaving Anderson (I know he is still well cared for) ... because I miss him.   Then guilt settles in and I don't have any fun.   

It's funny, I don't even remember life before him.  I know life is not the same anymore (and it never will be), but I struggle to "allow myself" some time for "me".  What did I do with myself before Anderson?  I know that I need to take care of myself and have some "me time"..or my thoughts on ALL Anderson ALL the time will become all too consuming and my brain will be fried and I will be an unhappy and unproductive mama!!  

I found this wonderful post that focuses on this subject and I am so glad I found it.  I love Simply Seleta for the beatiful design posts and her writing.  Today, she hit home with me.   Here is a short blurb that I want to contanstantly remind myself with...

... he explained to me that in order for us to be our best selves, we need to NURTURE ourselves.  Take time to relax, regroup, do something we’re passionate about.  I told him I felt selfish and guilty when I did certain things for myself – mainly things that take time away from my family.  He made it very clear that it is not selfish to take CARE of yourself.  Funny, I try to make time for things like that but somehow they don’t always happen quite like I plan.  

So this Thursday I am joining the girls to celebrate a good friend's birthday with a manicure, pedicure, lunch and some shopping.  It should be fun and I will NOT feel guilty.  This means I am taking a vacation day from work...A vacation day that I am taking without Anderson.   A day for me...I feel selfish.  But I feel I need it.  I'm sure we will spend part of the day talking about the kiddos, so I will still think about Anderson.  Plus my friends are moms and give great advice (and often tell me to stop worrying about everything!  They also build my confidence by pointing out how great Anderson is and what a great job I have done so far.  They are the best).   I just have to shut off the guilt.    

It's ok to focus on me...and not feel guilty about it.  Repeat...
I will be repeating this mantra all week.  

It's ok to focus on me...and not feel guilty about it.  

Repeat after me.