I know I want another baby and with the big 4-0 looming over my head I know the time is now.
So what's the worry about?
I just keep picturing myself getting two kiddos ready for daycare in the morning and I am scared at the work and the responsibility. Scared. Are most people scared when they think of all the work and responsibility of being a mom? I am being honest, I get scared.
I also picture myself having to give insulin shots during pregnancy and I get scared. I'm scared of complications. I'm scared of my diet and health. I know I will worry through out the pregnancy (I'm not pregnant now).
With that said and despite my fears I took my last pill on Wednesday 7-13-11. So exciting! I'm at the point, if it happens it happens. I want it to. I hope it does. But, honestly, I'm scared AND excited all at once (same as with Anderson)! I have to be ok if it doesn't happen too (maybe?)...??? Scary!
A few weeks ago (months now) we visited a friend with a newborn. Anderson was curious and watched closely as I held this new very tiny one week old baby. I even decided I would try to hold both (just to see) and both started to squirm and I started to get nervous (because I have a newborn that is not mine in my care)! It seems very overwhelming. I stressed out. Can I do this?
I know I will be overwhelmed at first, but with time we get accustomed to life. It will be hard at first (no doubt) just like adjusting to being a mom was difficult (at least it was for me), but we will get through it and probably thrive. I feel my family is not yet complete (call me selfish). I want A to have a friend, a family member that he will grow up with, share memories with and drive me crazy with (hee hee). I want them to play together, count on each other and share responsibilities together. I don't care if we have a boy or a girl. At first I really wanted one of each, now I really really don't care. A healthy baby is all I care about. That's it. Nothing else matters in life, just a healthy baby. Period. I feel so strongly about that.
Alex has been very mum on the subject (although we have decided to try again). I'm sure he is scared too (for my health, for our family dynamics changing, for finances - two college tuitions, a small house etc). He was really quiet about it so I had to ask the question if he really was ready for another and I encouraged him to be honest because I was scared and needed his support. We could wait a bit longer if it wasn't quite right. He said yes but...after some prodding he confessed he's concerned our current home is too small. "Where will the baby go?"...he said. It was weighing heavy on him - being able to provide for his family. He also said he wanted for us to have a bigger house and all the things we wanted (large yard, bigger closets, fireplace, jacuzzi) and I told him we could still try to get all that, but our current house was just fine (I love our home). If we were blessed with another boy they will share a room, and if it's a girl we will make the computer room a bedroom (or we could move by the time we actually had to worry about them having their own rooms). I was happy we were being honest about our worries. He's on board too. I'm feeling a lot better and ready (that means for me).
So Am I ready for this? Yes. I'm putting on big girl pants and moving forward.
Progress.
Showing posts with label Mommyhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mommyhood. Show all posts
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
An Update - Tooth #12 and #13 and counting...
August already, can you believe it? I can not! The summer is flying by.
Today is the most beautiful summer day. Perfect in my mind. I want to run outside and not come to work...but no such luck. I want to go swing with Anderson at the park. (We still have to go get him a swing!!) I would love to hang by the lake or sit at the beach and enjoy being outside. But nope. Summer is almost over (at least everyone makes you feel like it is) and I feel like I have so much more summer living to do before we start wearing sweaters and jackets.
Anderson has been growing by leaps and bounds. It is mind blowing really. We sit and watch him in awe. He's smart and is listening to commands now (go get your turtle...and he GOES and gets it!). Unbelievable!
Anderson is officially walking more (or just about the same as crawling). AND he is getting better every day at walking!!
He's eating better too. He actually self fed almost all of his food yesterday (meat, rice, peas and strawberries). He FINALLY ate a piece of fruit (strawberries) yesterday. Just shy of his 14 month birthday. One small step for man one giant leap for A's development.
Life is speeding by in warp speed. I can't keep up with life...or if I try to keep up (and do it all) I feel a whirlwind is spinning around me (and I get totally exhausted). I want to capture my baby this way, at this moment and keep these memories fresh in my mind forever. I know that is not possible. That is why I try to photograph and film him as much as possible. But it never seems like enough. I have no doubt when I am old and grey I will be looking back remembering the good ole days (and that day is today!). I will be trying to remember the times when the baby was a baby!!
I wish A could stay this way forever (cute, cuddly and still somewhat listening to me). A's personality radiates enthusiasm...I love it. He's a happy boy...for the most part (we all have our moments).
How is it possible that one little guy stops three adults (me, dad and vovo) in the house in our tracks and makes us ooze with happiness, pride and joy? How is that possible Mr. little guy? Mr. A has that power and I hope he uses it wisely.
His teeth are coming in and I have officially lost count of them all. The teeth are everywhere and he is drooling like crazy. I see the whites around the gummy flesh and that must be hurting him. He's been putting some stuff in his mouth as well (but not too bad). He barely complains but I imagine all those molars cutting in at the same time must be painful. Yes, if he cries in the middle of the night I hold him. I go to him and hold him and we snuggle. Yes, I do. I don't mind - for the most part. Of course waking up EVERY night does have its limits on the body and mind though. Becoming exhausted and tired and grumpy and weepy is no fun, but lately it hasn't been that way. When A wakes up during the night we cuddle for a little while and he usually goes right out. There are some exceptions. Like for example, the other night A was seriously crying and that broke my heart, but after a few hours I was beside myself and crying too. I gave him some hylands ointment on his teeth, some gripe water for his toots, then a little Tylenol and finally HOURS later I figured maybe he was hungry and gave him a bottle. He went right out! But I was a mess. Last week was a bit rough in the sleep department, but I hope that is over. This week is better, he's been sleeping so much better...but he did wake up for a little while (20 minutes) last night.
Last night I was wired and up for a while (which doesn't happen too often, thank goodness). I sat there in the dark and wonder if I am up for the responsibility of raising a baby...one baby? Am I doing enough? Will he have friends? What else should I be doing? Will he be shy, anti-social, or friendly? Will he like school and play sports or an instrument. I wonder if I have a second child, will I have double the worry or do you ever doubt yourself less (because of experience)? Am I up for this? Can I do it? I swear insecurity is the enemy of parenting. Insecurity is the enemy of many things. I wish I weren't so insecure.
I try not to let myself get in my own way...but sometimes I trip myself up. Bummer. Many times I try to ignore myself. Hee Hee :) Does that make sense?
I love Anderson so much, its all consuming. What did I concern myself with before?
Today is the most beautiful summer day. Perfect in my mind. I want to run outside and not come to work...but no such luck. I want to go swing with Anderson at the park. (We still have to go get him a swing!!) I would love to hang by the lake or sit at the beach and enjoy being outside. But nope. Summer is almost over (at least everyone makes you feel like it is) and I feel like I have so much more summer living to do before we start wearing sweaters and jackets.
Anderson has been growing by leaps and bounds. It is mind blowing really. We sit and watch him in awe. He's smart and is listening to commands now (go get your turtle...and he GOES and gets it!). Unbelievable!
Anderson is officially walking more (or just about the same as crawling). AND he is getting better every day at walking!!
He's eating better too. He actually self fed almost all of his food yesterday (meat, rice, peas and strawberries). He FINALLY ate a piece of fruit (strawberries) yesterday. Just shy of his 14 month birthday. One small step for man one giant leap for A's development.
Life is speeding by in warp speed. I can't keep up with life...or if I try to keep up (and do it all) I feel a whirlwind is spinning around me (and I get totally exhausted). I want to capture my baby this way, at this moment and keep these memories fresh in my mind forever. I know that is not possible. That is why I try to photograph and film him as much as possible. But it never seems like enough. I have no doubt when I am old and grey I will be looking back remembering the good ole days (and that day is today!). I will be trying to remember the times when the baby was a baby!!
I wish A could stay this way forever (cute, cuddly and still somewhat listening to me). A's personality radiates enthusiasm...I love it. He's a happy boy...for the most part (we all have our moments).
How is it possible that one little guy stops three adults (me, dad and vovo) in the house in our tracks and makes us ooze with happiness, pride and joy? How is that possible Mr. little guy? Mr. A has that power and I hope he uses it wisely.
His teeth are coming in and I have officially lost count of them all. The teeth are everywhere and he is drooling like crazy. I see the whites around the gummy flesh and that must be hurting him. He's been putting some stuff in his mouth as well (but not too bad). He barely complains but I imagine all those molars cutting in at the same time must be painful. Yes, if he cries in the middle of the night I hold him. I go to him and hold him and we snuggle. Yes, I do. I don't mind - for the most part. Of course waking up EVERY night does have its limits on the body and mind though. Becoming exhausted and tired and grumpy and weepy is no fun, but lately it hasn't been that way. When A wakes up during the night we cuddle for a little while and he usually goes right out. There are some exceptions. Like for example, the other night A was seriously crying and that broke my heart, but after a few hours I was beside myself and crying too. I gave him some hylands ointment on his teeth, some gripe water for his toots, then a little Tylenol and finally HOURS later I figured maybe he was hungry and gave him a bottle. He went right out! But I was a mess. Last week was a bit rough in the sleep department, but I hope that is over. This week is better, he's been sleeping so much better...but he did wake up for a little while (20 minutes) last night.
Last night I was wired and up for a while (which doesn't happen too often, thank goodness). I sat there in the dark and wonder if I am up for the responsibility of raising a baby...one baby? Am I doing enough? Will he have friends? What else should I be doing? Will he be shy, anti-social, or friendly? Will he like school and play sports or an instrument. I wonder if I have a second child, will I have double the worry or do you ever doubt yourself less (because of experience)? Am I up for this? Can I do it? I swear insecurity is the enemy of parenting. Insecurity is the enemy of many things. I wish I weren't so insecure.
I try not to let myself get in my own way...but sometimes I trip myself up. Bummer. Many times I try to ignore myself. Hee Hee :) Does that make sense?
I love Anderson so much, its all consuming. What did I concern myself with before?
Friday, June 3, 2011
Last day as a 0 - end of an era.
This post is about my baby's last day as an 0!! Has a year really already past? I stop and think about the day I found out I was pregnant (October 5, 2009) - has it really been nearly two years. I still get tingles thinking back to that day. The day my life changed forever. The day that I knew something bigger, more important than myself existed and I took on the responsibility (not without fear).
This time last year...oh the joy!! I feel like my life was just beginning. It's hard to remember my life before Anderson! Isn't that strange? I was 37 when Anderson was born and I did have a life before he was born, but those memories are so distant. What was important then are not even on the radar anymore. Funny how that is.
Tomorrow Anderson is a one year old. I am a mother of a one year old. I am no longer a new mother. (Ok maybe I am, lets not get ahead of ourselves).
Oh my heart is going to explode!! I wanted to spend today just cuddling, holding and kissing my little guy...but no I am at work trying to get these urgent issues done to go home and get my last minute party errands done. Still so MUCH to do.
Love Note to Anderson:
Happy Last day as "baby" Anderson. Mommy loves you - today and everyday, but more today than yesterday. You are my joy. My purpose. My being. I feel so much love for you that sometimes I don't know what to do with myself! It's overwhelming and I find myself tearing up.
I see a change in your look...you actually look like a toddler - so grown up. You are becoming a child and no a longer a baby. Although I wish time would slow down a bit, I am happy to sit back and enjoy the ride that loving you brings!! All I can do is try to live in the present and celebrate each fleeting moment of your childhood. Your babyhood...I feel it slipping away so quickly. (Don't worry, I have a feeling that I will be calling you my baby FOREVER!!)
Anderson you bring so much joy and life to our family, and you give my days purpose and meaning. I am more than honored to be your mommy...a title I take to heart everyday. Thank you for all the joy, the smiles, the love. Your smile every morning - I live for that!
I could go on and on. But for now know that I love you to the moon and back twice. That's a lot.
God Bless you Anderson! Happy Almost Birthday!!
Love,
Mommy
This time last year...oh the joy!! I feel like my life was just beginning. It's hard to remember my life before Anderson! Isn't that strange? I was 37 when Anderson was born and I did have a life before he was born, but those memories are so distant. What was important then are not even on the radar anymore. Funny how that is.
Tomorrow Anderson is a one year old. I am a mother of a one year old. I am no longer a new mother. (Ok maybe I am, lets not get ahead of ourselves).
Oh my heart is going to explode!! I wanted to spend today just cuddling, holding and kissing my little guy...but no I am at work trying to get these urgent issues done to go home and get my last minute party errands done. Still so MUCH to do.
Love Note to Anderson:
Happy Last day as "baby" Anderson. Mommy loves you - today and everyday, but more today than yesterday. You are my joy. My purpose. My being. I feel so much love for you that sometimes I don't know what to do with myself! It's overwhelming and I find myself tearing up.
I see a change in your look...you actually look like a toddler - so grown up. You are becoming a child and no a longer a baby. Although I wish time would slow down a bit, I am happy to sit back and enjoy the ride that loving you brings!! All I can do is try to live in the present and celebrate each fleeting moment of your childhood. Your babyhood...I feel it slipping away so quickly. (Don't worry, I have a feeling that I will be calling you my baby FOREVER!!)
Anderson you bring so much joy and life to our family, and you give my days purpose and meaning. I am more than honored to be your mommy...a title I take to heart everyday. Thank you for all the joy, the smiles, the love. Your smile every morning - I live for that!
I could go on and on. But for now know that I love you to the moon and back twice. That's a lot.
God Bless you Anderson! Happy Almost Birthday!!
Love,
Mommy
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Almost One
I'm doing my best to savor my baby. He is turning one in a few days. Can you believe it?
I like to watch him. I just like to look at him. I feel like he grows overnight. I swear he is bigger sometimes the next day. Last night I worked late and as I was driving home I began to get teary eyed. What is wrong with me? I missed him. I hadn't seen him in 11 hours and I started to tear up because I missed him so much. Oh jeese. I am a sap.
When I drove into the driveway. There was A hanging out with VoVo and daddy. Daddy had him on a new outdoor rug and A was getting use to the texture. He chose to just lie down and look up at the sky (so cute). I immediately wanted to just scoop him up and shower him with kisses! But I contained myself. A's big smile was enough to tie me over. I gave Daddy a kiss first (I read somewhere that we as new moms should always kiss Daddy first - should I still consider myself a "new mom") then I kissed my mom (who took the day off to be with my baby ALL day). Then I wanted to just squeeze him. But you know what. He wanted Daddy. Go figure. Burst my bubble.
I love you my little guy. You are slowly taking over my entire heart. Actually you already have. You own it. You owned it as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Then it became solidified when you were born (nearly a year ago). And NOW? Now, I'm just walking around with baby Anderson hearts all over my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I love you to the moon and back, multiple times. Happy almost first birthday.
I like to watch him. I just like to look at him. I feel like he grows overnight. I swear he is bigger sometimes the next day. Last night I worked late and as I was driving home I began to get teary eyed. What is wrong with me? I missed him. I hadn't seen him in 11 hours and I started to tear up because I missed him so much. Oh jeese. I am a sap.
When I drove into the driveway. There was A hanging out with VoVo and daddy. Daddy had him on a new outdoor rug and A was getting use to the texture. He chose to just lie down and look up at the sky (so cute). I immediately wanted to just scoop him up and shower him with kisses! But I contained myself. A's big smile was enough to tie me over. I gave Daddy a kiss first (I read somewhere that we as new moms should always kiss Daddy first - should I still consider myself a "new mom") then I kissed my mom (who took the day off to be with my baby ALL day). Then I wanted to just squeeze him. But you know what. He wanted Daddy. Go figure. Burst my bubble.
I love you my little guy. You are slowly taking over my entire heart. Actually you already have. You own it. You owned it as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Then it became solidified when you were born (nearly a year ago). And NOW? Now, I'm just walking around with baby Anderson hearts all over my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I love you to the moon and back, multiple times. Happy almost first birthday.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Weekend Plans???
Today is Friday before a long weekend. I am so ready for some down time...although I'm not sure how much time will be resting. I do hope to enjoy the great weather with my little guys (and my big guy if he slows down to enjoy it!!). We are in full party prep mode AND vacation mode. I just want to enjoy my little munchkin during his last week as a baby. MY little baby is turning one and I can't help but feel a bit nostalgic - thinking of where we were this time last year. Makes my heart smile and makes me swell with love and pride. He will be one in a weeks time and he is already looking so grown up. He looks like a little man getting ready to start school (ok, maybe not, but he's getting so big!). I want to savor all those moments with my little guy.
I also need to do my master to do lists and get prepared for the big party (which mostly means I am cleaning the house and cooking). BUT I will enjoy my little guy as well.
Have a great weekend. Thank you for all the troops who sacrifice so much for our barely recognized/appreciated freedoms.
Beijinhos. Kisses
I also need to do my master to do lists and get prepared for the big party (which mostly means I am cleaning the house and cooking). BUT I will enjoy my little guy as well.
Have a great weekend. Thank you for all the troops who sacrifice so much for our barely recognized/appreciated freedoms.
Beijinhos. Kisses
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Planning the big bash
The planning continues...
We are definitely going with the Barnyard theme. So much fun!!
I have all these plans and ideas but seeing as we are three weeks away...I need to start limiting my ideas and just acting on my thoughts/plans!! I have too much searching for projects, but never actually do any of them (although I want to). For example, I wanted to do animal cupcakes. Realistically will I have time? I am just adding stess to myself on a day that doesn't warrant additional stress.
The invites are out and I am happy on how they came out!
Now I have to go order plates, hats, napkins, tablecloths…favors. We have some contenders but I can't decide. Sometimes I get ahead of myself with all the details. Indecision is my middle name. Time to get cracking with the details....
According to a Party Checklist I found (from other organized bloggers) I am feeling way behind. There is still so much to do according to Another Checklist I found!
It will all come together in the end. I love seeing all the parties from other bloggers. Some go all out and some keep it simple. I'm thinking we are going to be in the middle. Just the size of the party will keep it from being simple...but I don't want to go over board either. I can't wait!! (What? Really?).
I'm trying to remember this party is for Anderson and for his Mommy and Daddy! We have survived and thrived this past year...it's time to celebrate!
I also can't believe Anderson is a year old already (or going to be soon). I am sad and happy at the same time. I really cherished this past year and I really tried to in live in the moment with him…(and I let other things slip like house cleaning, other obligations, gym, etc). I don't regret any of it. Not much I would do differently (of course there are some things but overall I am happy). Overall its been wonderful being a mom. What a bitter sweet time...watching the last momemts of infantcy, and the new adventures of toddlerhood emerging. I love Anderson so much!!
We are definitely going with the Barnyard theme. So much fun!!
I have all these plans and ideas but seeing as we are three weeks away...I need to start limiting my ideas and just acting on my thoughts/plans!! I have too much searching for projects, but never actually do any of them (although I want to). For example, I wanted to do animal cupcakes. Realistically will I have time? I am just adding stess to myself on a day that doesn't warrant additional stress.
The invites are out and I am happy on how they came out!
Now I have to go order plates, hats, napkins, tablecloths…favors. We have some contenders but I can't decide. Sometimes I get ahead of myself with all the details. Indecision is my middle name. Time to get cracking with the details....
According to a Party Checklist I found (from other organized bloggers) I am feeling way behind. There is still so much to do according to Another Checklist I found!
It will all come together in the end. I love seeing all the parties from other bloggers. Some go all out and some keep it simple. I'm thinking we are going to be in the middle. Just the size of the party will keep it from being simple...but I don't want to go over board either. I can't wait!! (What? Really?).
I'm trying to remember this party is for Anderson and for his Mommy and Daddy! We have survived and thrived this past year...it's time to celebrate!
I also can't believe Anderson is a year old already (or going to be soon). I am sad and happy at the same time. I really cherished this past year and I really tried to in live in the moment with him…(and I let other things slip like house cleaning, other obligations, gym, etc). I don't regret any of it. Not much I would do differently (of course there are some things but overall I am happy). Overall its been wonderful being a mom. What a bitter sweet time...watching the last momemts of infantcy, and the new adventures of toddlerhood emerging. I love Anderson so much!!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Shaking and Moving
An update on Anderson is needed since so much has been going on with him ...
This past week I have seen lots of changes in Little A. He is definitely scooting around better while on his belly. He pivots easily and rotates and moves backwards...he's doing this with ease while on his belly (he does complain after a little while but he's handling being on his belly a lot more). He is still not creeping forward (while on his belly). This week he has gone from being on his belly to sitting!! It is so cute to watch. He concentrates so hard while he is doing it and then when he gets to sitting he looks to me like - see I told I could do it!! I'm so proud.
He also can go from sitting to down to his belly - pretty controlled too. While down on his belly he is rolling around more and more. He is even lifting his belly off the floor and he puts his hands and knees in crawling position!! Last weekend (4/16/11) he even rocked back and forth on all fours!! OMG, what progress. Seems like overnight.
In the last few weeks (April), A has been rolling a lot in his bed when he is getting ready to nap. He rolls from side to side, on to his back and puts his head down and lifts his butt up!! So cute. Yesterday was the first time he has slept on his belly! I was so scared, but he got himself comfortable in that position and there he stayed. He took an hour an half nap. I noticed his morning naps are getting longer and I am sure that is because he is up so many times a night. I really miss my baby sleeping all night with no wake ups. He use to do it but now he is not. I'm not sure why. He wakes up crying and it isn't just once, last night was three times. It makes for a restless night and I'm sure that is why he is taking longer naps in the morning? I wish I could take naps in the morning too :) I thought it was his cold (nasal congestion), or his cough or his ear infection or his teething or a 10 month wakeful...but it's been three weeks already and it's getting old. He's learning some bad habbits and I want to nip it in the bud. We will make some changes this weekend and see if that helps and we will have to regroup.
We lowered his crib a week or so ago because he is pulling up to standing from a sitting position. Again, very cute to watch and he looks to us for confirmation and support once he is done. He was wobbly at first but now he is pretty sturdy. He even lets go of one hand and can easily stay standing. He fixes his feet to be in a comfortable stance - cute! Yesterday he even let go of both hands and stood alone for a second. Awesome. Little A is getting so big and growing.
Last Friday we got an evaluation from his day care providers. They see him twice a week for about 12 hours, even less some times. They were pretty blunt with the evaluation and said that certain skills are not at the same level as other infants his age. Of course it is difficult to read. I was upset and worried that Anderson could have some serious cognitive issues that need to be looked into. My first thought was what if something is wrong with him - how can I help him??
I was disappointed that the evaluation did not offer any constructive suggestions or offer any suggestions on how to to see improvements in Little A's development. It was just a summary of where he is at a particular time - 10 months. Maybe some parents do not want suggestions??? There was not a single bit of insight given. No exercise suggestions, no outlook to the future, no elaboration. Very weak for a professional organization that caterers to children and that has been around for 20 years.
I would have been devastated had it not been for the continued support of Early Intervention and the Occupational Therapist currently helping Anderson with his torticollis. She has been super helpful with Anderson and, even more so, she has been super helpful to me. She "teaches" me exercises to work on with Anderson. She's been helping with Anderson's neck, (he favors one side) and she has been working on his crawling and gross motor skills. She has been excellent and I notice a big change him. If I had gotten that review from daycare without knowing what I know because of EI and OT, I would have been so much more distraught/disappointed/sad.
So April has been a whirlwind month so far. It is flying by. I feel exhausted by worry, overwhelmed with the speed of life, bouts of guilt, insecure and mentally drained. I hope things change. Actually I'm almost certain they will...
This past week I have seen lots of changes in Little A. He is definitely scooting around better while on his belly. He pivots easily and rotates and moves backwards...he's doing this with ease while on his belly (he does complain after a little while but he's handling being on his belly a lot more). He is still not creeping forward (while on his belly). This week he has gone from being on his belly to sitting!! It is so cute to watch. He concentrates so hard while he is doing it and then when he gets to sitting he looks to me like - see I told I could do it!! I'm so proud.
He also can go from sitting to down to his belly - pretty controlled too. While down on his belly he is rolling around more and more. He is even lifting his belly off the floor and he puts his hands and knees in crawling position!! Last weekend (4/16/11) he even rocked back and forth on all fours!! OMG, what progress. Seems like overnight.
In the last few weeks (April), A has been rolling a lot in his bed when he is getting ready to nap. He rolls from side to side, on to his back and puts his head down and lifts his butt up!! So cute. Yesterday was the first time he has slept on his belly! I was so scared, but he got himself comfortable in that position and there he stayed. He took an hour an half nap. I noticed his morning naps are getting longer and I am sure that is because he is up so many times a night. I really miss my baby sleeping all night with no wake ups. He use to do it but now he is not. I'm not sure why. He wakes up crying and it isn't just once, last night was three times. It makes for a restless night and I'm sure that is why he is taking longer naps in the morning? I wish I could take naps in the morning too :) I thought it was his cold (nasal congestion), or his cough or his ear infection or his teething or a 10 month wakeful...but it's been three weeks already and it's getting old. He's learning some bad habbits and I want to nip it in the bud. We will make some changes this weekend and see if that helps and we will have to regroup.
We lowered his crib a week or so ago because he is pulling up to standing from a sitting position. Again, very cute to watch and he looks to us for confirmation and support once he is done. He was wobbly at first but now he is pretty sturdy. He even lets go of one hand and can easily stay standing. He fixes his feet to be in a comfortable stance - cute! Yesterday he even let go of both hands and stood alone for a second. Awesome. Little A is getting so big and growing.
Last Friday we got an evaluation from his day care providers. They see him twice a week for about 12 hours, even less some times. They were pretty blunt with the evaluation and said that certain skills are not at the same level as other infants his age. Of course it is difficult to read. I was upset and worried that Anderson could have some serious cognitive issues that need to be looked into. My first thought was what if something is wrong with him - how can I help him??
I was disappointed that the evaluation did not offer any constructive suggestions or offer any suggestions on how to to see improvements in Little A's development. It was just a summary of where he is at a particular time - 10 months. Maybe some parents do not want suggestions??? There was not a single bit of insight given. No exercise suggestions, no outlook to the future, no elaboration. Very weak for a professional organization that caterers to children and that has been around for 20 years.
I would have been devastated had it not been for the continued support of Early Intervention and the Occupational Therapist currently helping Anderson with his torticollis. She has been super helpful with Anderson and, even more so, she has been super helpful to me. She "teaches" me exercises to work on with Anderson. She's been helping with Anderson's neck, (he favors one side) and she has been working on his crawling and gross motor skills. She has been excellent and I notice a big change him. If I had gotten that review from daycare without knowing what I know because of EI and OT, I would have been so much more distraught/disappointed/sad.
So April has been a whirlwind month so far. It is flying by. I feel exhausted by worry, overwhelmed with the speed of life, bouts of guilt, insecure and mentally drained. I hope things change. Actually I'm almost certain they will...
Monday, April 11, 2011
Monday morning fresh!
Not sure what it is...but today seems like a whole new day and things are looking brighter.
Actually I do know what it is. Sleep.
Little A slept through the night. Thank you God. I am so happy.
Last week was a rough week. Especially with Little A's sleep. I did a little surfing and come to find out there is a 9-10 month wakeful...so that is what I hope it was and that it is OVER.
Last week, he would wake up at least two times a night and cry and cry and there was no sleeping for anyone. But yesterday, Sunday night to Monday...he slept from 8:30 to 7. I feel happier, like a new person.
Last week was also rough due to our daycare issues, Little A's constant cough that never goes away and my cough that is lingering. Plus A is starting to be more difficult with his eating. He's also started to shake his head no (and I could swear I saw his eyes roll back one time). And, of course, there is the constant worry of him reaching his milestones. I want to decide to let go and "not worry" and be rational...babies develop at different times He will develop at his pace (crawling, standing, finger foods etc), but I can't turn the worry button off and I wonder "what if" something is really wrong. So much pressure! There is vacation planning, paying bills, budgeting, worrying about other family members' health, getting our taxes done and party planning (or lack thereof) and I am exhausted...even without the sleep issues. Oh, and working full time too.
But we have a fresh new start this week....here's hoping it goes better.
Plus today is suppose to be nice out...we may even hit 70!
Actually I do know what it is. Sleep.
Little A slept through the night. Thank you God. I am so happy.
Last week was a rough week. Especially with Little A's sleep. I did a little surfing and come to find out there is a 9-10 month wakeful...so that is what I hope it was and that it is OVER.
Last week, he would wake up at least two times a night and cry and cry and there was no sleeping for anyone. But yesterday, Sunday night to Monday...he slept from 8:30 to 7. I feel happier, like a new person.
Last week was also rough due to our daycare issues, Little A's constant cough that never goes away and my cough that is lingering. Plus A is starting to be more difficult with his eating. He's also started to shake his head no (and I could swear I saw his eyes roll back one time). And, of course, there is the constant worry of him reaching his milestones. I want to decide to let go and "not worry" and be rational...babies develop at different times He will develop at his pace (crawling, standing, finger foods etc), but I can't turn the worry button off and I wonder "what if" something is really wrong. So much pressure! There is vacation planning, paying bills, budgeting, worrying about other family members' health, getting our taxes done and party planning (or lack thereof) and I am exhausted...even without the sleep issues. Oh, and working full time too.
But we have a fresh new start this week....here's hoping it goes better.
Plus today is suppose to be nice out...we may even hit 70!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Baby Sitter and day care woohs...
Happy Thursday. Not so much.
My wonderful, wonderful friend who was watching Anderson has gotten a job. I miss her terribly. I loved knowing she was with Anderson. She loves him to pieces...there is such joy in knowing that others love my baby as well. They got along great too. Bummer. It was great while it lasted. She watched him from October through March...so nice.
Now we need to find coverage for the days she watched him. My mom (bless her soul) has changed her hours at work. She will work on Saturday and take off Monday. She will have Anderson all day Monday! We have already done it twice already and it is WONDERFUL. I leave and I don't have to rush A anywhere. It's really comforting knowing that A is home, with all his toys and that grandma has him (and is spoiling him). If only she could drop Thursday too...but no such luck (and I shouldn't push my luck).
So I am looking for Thursday. I have signed up Anderson for Emergency daycare in Boston. That is a hike to bring him in...but I need to find an alternative and none are coming my way. What to do? His current day care has no room on Thursdays. Bummer. They will not have room until June 20. I am now looking for a new day care that includes Thursdays, but haven't had any luck. Plus I'm not sure I want to have Anderson go through that transition. What to do???
So last Thursday (March 31) was Anderson's first day in Boston. The drive in went fine. He fell asleep. The ride on the train was great!! Drop off...that is were it went down hill. He started to cry as soon as the girl picked him up. He got pretty upset and it tore my heart to pieces. I had to fill out paperwork and they tried to entertain him but he just wanted to come to me. I tried to get him to calm down, but nothing worked. So I had 'mom up', hold myself together (barely) and told them that if he continued like this for very long after I left to give me a call and I will come and get him. They assured me that he would be fine. But I was not fine. I cried all the way to the office!! I even had to shut my door and get myself together once I arrived. Within an hour, I got an email. Anderson was happy as could be eating his puffs!! They emailed me to let me know that he was doing great. He was looking out the window and smiling at all the cars and trucks. Made my day!!!
The ride home was ok, he was a trooper. Night time??? Well that was a different story. He was super clingy. He wanted only mama or dada. We went to walking night at my friends house and he wanted none of it. He didn't want to be with anyone, didn't want anyone to hold him or play with him. He was a crab and so fussy!! We left early and got him right to bed. It seemed like A was crabby all weekend long. Could it be the daycare left him so upset? Could it be teething? What could it be????
Fast forward one week to today. What a production this morning. Anderson didn't sleep well last night (that means no one slept well, especially me and I am feeling worn down and over dramatic).
The emergency back up day care was full! Oh no! Regular day care was full...so I was without a sitter. Now I had to figure something else out and I am stressed!! I need to decide what to do. As I am contemplating my choices (all not very good) the phone rings and emergency day care in Boston has a cancelation so there is room.
So we make the long trek to Boston. He does great on the ride in. Falls asleep. Then the trains are delayed and we need to switch trains because there was a problem with the one we are on. Another delay, we wait and wait and I am wondering why I am even bothering. The train gets packed like sardines. Anderson just looks and looks. He was taking in his surroundings. Thank god he did not cry. A ride that takes 1/2 hour took over an hour. More stress. Ugh.
Then the dreaded drop off....at 11 am. I decide to take him out of the car seat in the hall way and hold him for a few minutes before going in. I just chatted with him and told him that he was going to have fun today. It just stared all around. So curious. The drop off was not so bad, he just grunted and looked at me. Break my heart (but only for a second). Thank god it wasn't like last week (I still can here his wailing). The only saving grace of the day so far...
I waited to hear if he would cry, around the corner where he couldn't see me and he didn't. What a trooper. He is awesome. I'm the one who is a wimp.
Lets just hope the ride home goes smoothly.
Happy Thursday...I don't think so for the next 10 weeks. ???? We will see.
My wonderful, wonderful friend who was watching Anderson has gotten a job. I miss her terribly. I loved knowing she was with Anderson. She loves him to pieces...there is such joy in knowing that others love my baby as well. They got along great too. Bummer. It was great while it lasted. She watched him from October through March...so nice.
Now we need to find coverage for the days she watched him. My mom (bless her soul) has changed her hours at work. She will work on Saturday and take off Monday. She will have Anderson all day Monday! We have already done it twice already and it is WONDERFUL. I leave and I don't have to rush A anywhere. It's really comforting knowing that A is home, with all his toys and that grandma has him (and is spoiling him). If only she could drop Thursday too...but no such luck (and I shouldn't push my luck).
So I am looking for Thursday. I have signed up Anderson for Emergency daycare in Boston. That is a hike to bring him in...but I need to find an alternative and none are coming my way. What to do? His current day care has no room on Thursdays. Bummer. They will not have room until June 20. I am now looking for a new day care that includes Thursdays, but haven't had any luck. Plus I'm not sure I want to have Anderson go through that transition. What to do???
So last Thursday (March 31) was Anderson's first day in Boston. The drive in went fine. He fell asleep. The ride on the train was great!! Drop off...that is were it went down hill. He started to cry as soon as the girl picked him up. He got pretty upset and it tore my heart to pieces. I had to fill out paperwork and they tried to entertain him but he just wanted to come to me. I tried to get him to calm down, but nothing worked. So I had 'mom up', hold myself together (barely) and told them that if he continued like this for very long after I left to give me a call and I will come and get him. They assured me that he would be fine. But I was not fine. I cried all the way to the office!! I even had to shut my door and get myself together once I arrived. Within an hour, I got an email. Anderson was happy as could be eating his puffs!! They emailed me to let me know that he was doing great. He was looking out the window and smiling at all the cars and trucks. Made my day!!!
The ride home was ok, he was a trooper. Night time??? Well that was a different story. He was super clingy. He wanted only mama or dada. We went to walking night at my friends house and he wanted none of it. He didn't want to be with anyone, didn't want anyone to hold him or play with him. He was a crab and so fussy!! We left early and got him right to bed. It seemed like A was crabby all weekend long. Could it be the daycare left him so upset? Could it be teething? What could it be????
Fast forward one week to today. What a production this morning. Anderson didn't sleep well last night (that means no one slept well, especially me and I am feeling worn down and over dramatic).
The emergency back up day care was full! Oh no! Regular day care was full...so I was without a sitter. Now I had to figure something else out and I am stressed!! I need to decide what to do. As I am contemplating my choices (all not very good) the phone rings and emergency day care in Boston has a cancelation so there is room.
So we make the long trek to Boston. He does great on the ride in. Falls asleep. Then the trains are delayed and we need to switch trains because there was a problem with the one we are on. Another delay, we wait and wait and I am wondering why I am even bothering. The train gets packed like sardines. Anderson just looks and looks. He was taking in his surroundings. Thank god he did not cry. A ride that takes 1/2 hour took over an hour. More stress. Ugh.
Then the dreaded drop off....at 11 am. I decide to take him out of the car seat in the hall way and hold him for a few minutes before going in. I just chatted with him and told him that he was going to have fun today. It just stared all around. So curious. The drop off was not so bad, he just grunted and looked at me. Break my heart (but only for a second). Thank god it wasn't like last week (I still can here his wailing). The only saving grace of the day so far...
I waited to hear if he would cry, around the corner where he couldn't see me and he didn't. What a trooper. He is awesome. I'm the one who is a wimp.
Lets just hope the ride home goes smoothly.
Happy Thursday...I don't think so for the next 10 weeks. ???? We will see.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Let the Planning Begin
We have started to plan Anderson's first birthday bash (and by we I mean ME). It's going to be big. Bigger than what I would like, but it's a day to celebrate and it is hard to cut out people from the list and not go overboard. I wish we could have two parties...one for family and one for friends...but that sounds like double the work.
I am going to try and make it about Anderson and celebrating his first year ... and me surviving his first year!! I take being his Mommy so serious. I take parenting Anderson seriously. I take shaping who he will become seriously...this will be the outlet for fun. I want to have fun with the baby and create some happy memories!!
I just know the baby will be overwhelmed with so much stimulation and will most likely cry. It is bound to happen, even for social babies (which Anderson is NOT, we are going through separation anxiety and stranger anxiety, BIG time). That is my biggest dilemma right now. We will have one quiet corner of the party to take him to once in a while (plus grandma has already said she would hold him! We will make sure if she gets too stimulated to take him to a quiet spot).
As for themes. I am leaning on Barnyard Bash...lots of cows, pigs, horses...and a big ole' picnic. My only wish is to make the cake. I have never made a cake before (decorated one for a party I mean)...so we will see how much time is left over for me to make a cake (I doubt it will happen).
I don't want to go overboard, with games and decorations and such...but I do want to have some splashes of fun everywhere and have a cohesive look.
There will definitely be lots of photos of the little guy...I've taken a photo every single day since he was born!
Stay tuned for more updates!! I need to look at this as fun - NOT stress over the work and decisions! Fun Fun Fun. I should start working on the photo banner NOW, since I already feel behind.
I am going to try and make it about Anderson and celebrating his first year ... and me surviving his first year!! I take being his Mommy so serious. I take parenting Anderson seriously. I take shaping who he will become seriously...this will be the outlet for fun. I want to have fun with the baby and create some happy memories!!
I just know the baby will be overwhelmed with so much stimulation and will most likely cry. It is bound to happen, even for social babies (which Anderson is NOT, we are going through separation anxiety and stranger anxiety, BIG time). That is my biggest dilemma right now. We will have one quiet corner of the party to take him to once in a while (plus grandma has already said she would hold him! We will make sure if she gets too stimulated to take him to a quiet spot).
As for themes. I am leaning on Barnyard Bash...lots of cows, pigs, horses...and a big ole' picnic. My only wish is to make the cake. I have never made a cake before (decorated one for a party I mean)...so we will see how much time is left over for me to make a cake (I doubt it will happen).
I don't want to go overboard, with games and decorations and such...but I do want to have some splashes of fun everywhere and have a cohesive look.
There will definitely be lots of photos of the little guy...I've taken a photo every single day since he was born!
Stay tuned for more updates!! I need to look at this as fun - NOT stress over the work and decisions! Fun Fun Fun. I should start working on the photo banner NOW, since I already feel behind.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Saying Ma Ma and othere ramblings
My little guy does Not say MaMa...but he's getting close!! He is definately saying the M sound...constantly. M M M MMMMMMM Ma MMMMM Ma
So cute and melt my heart.
I love when he looks up at me and reaches out for me...I feel like the most important person in the world!! Talk about a mood booster! He does like to hug, which is super cute.
He's been teething a bit and we had his 8th tooth pop in during the last week. He now has 4 on top and 4 on bottom. I also try to wash his teeth with a cloth...ouch!! He bites down hard. Not good. We are trying to keep up everyday with the tooth brush. He likes to do it himself. Yup, Mr. Independent. He has a weird thing going on with his upper middle tooth. His right side. It looks like his tooth is coming in from two directions - with his gums in the middle. Strange. I noticed it right after his face plant...so I hope that has nothing to do with it.
Life is good with my little guy. OH, and the basement family room has finally been completed. Looks like we will be hanging out as a family again on the weekends...we finally get Daddy back!! I am so excited for this!! I am feeling a little less overwhelmed lately...which is good. I'm not sure why I get that way and I am sure it is hormonal (that time of the month). I also know having my husband up from the basement and available helps as well. Now we need to work on the morning rush. That is still a disaster.
We are planning our summer vacation...our big trip to Portugal. Should be fun, but I can't help but worry about all the "stuff" we will need to bring and the production to just have fun. I kind of hate all the hoopla. I see a big To Do list starting (who am I kidding - I have already started one!!).
Kisses!!
So cute and melt my heart.
I love when he looks up at me and reaches out for me...I feel like the most important person in the world!! Talk about a mood booster! He does like to hug, which is super cute.
He's been teething a bit and we had his 8th tooth pop in during the last week. He now has 4 on top and 4 on bottom. I also try to wash his teeth with a cloth...ouch!! He bites down hard. Not good. We are trying to keep up everyday with the tooth brush. He likes to do it himself. Yup, Mr. Independent. He has a weird thing going on with his upper middle tooth. His right side. It looks like his tooth is coming in from two directions - with his gums in the middle. Strange. I noticed it right after his face plant...so I hope that has nothing to do with it.
Life is good with my little guy. OH, and the basement family room has finally been completed. Looks like we will be hanging out as a family again on the weekends...we finally get Daddy back!! I am so excited for this!! I am feeling a little less overwhelmed lately...which is good. I'm not sure why I get that way and I am sure it is hormonal (that time of the month). I also know having my husband up from the basement and available helps as well. Now we need to work on the morning rush. That is still a disaster.
We are planning our summer vacation...our big trip to Portugal. Should be fun, but I can't help but worry about all the "stuff" we will need to bring and the production to just have fun. I kind of hate all the hoopla. I see a big To Do list starting (who am I kidding - I have already started one!!).
Kisses!!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Face Plant
We had our first incident over the weekend. I turned away for two seconds and then .... bang! Head first tumble. I think it hurt me more than the baby. Only took 9 months...
My poor little guy. I love him so much and can't stand to see him cry. We gave him lots of kisses and hugs and he was 'all better' in one minute...ok, maybe two.
Mommy fail...
My poor little guy. I love him so much and can't stand to see him cry. We gave him lots of kisses and hugs and he was 'all better' in one minute...ok, maybe two.
Mommy fail...
Monday, March 21, 2011
Confused about the next step
Not sure why I feel the need to plan out everything and have everything figured out. I'm struggling with the next step (and swamped with everything in my life right now). I know our family is not quite complete and having a sibling for litte A is in the cards. Just not yet. I know it in my heart...
However, I got a little urked at Alex the other day. We spent the day together (which we never get to do anymore). We spent the afternoon running around doing errands and taking Anderson to his 9 month doctor's visit. Everything was going so well.
While we were driving I started rambling something to the effect...if I were to get pregnant now I don't think I could handle it...I would freak out, with having to take care of Anderson, working full time and having to deal with health issues (like diabities, giving myself insulin, blood pressure, being old)...ugh, it would be too much! I just don't think I could handle it.
"Don't you think so Alex?"
Alex says, "YES".
Nice.
Nice support.
I told him that was not the answer I wanted to hear. I would much rather here "we can get through anything as long as we are a team". A little support would be nice.
Then as I fermented the anger inside me, I thought it over (in silence in the car). Had he said what I think I would have liked to hear (see above)...I would have been like...you only say that because you wouldn't be the one pregnant dealing with the health issues...it's easy for you to say to be a "team" because you don't have to be the one pregnant!!
So Alex would have lost that conversation either way.
Still confused. But a little less urked. :)
However, I got a little urked at Alex the other day. We spent the day together (which we never get to do anymore). We spent the afternoon running around doing errands and taking Anderson to his 9 month doctor's visit. Everything was going so well.
While we were driving I started rambling something to the effect...if I were to get pregnant now I don't think I could handle it...I would freak out, with having to take care of Anderson, working full time and having to deal with health issues (like diabities, giving myself insulin, blood pressure, being old)...ugh, it would be too much! I just don't think I could handle it.
"Don't you think so Alex?"
Alex says, "YES".
Nice.
Nice support.
I told him that was not the answer I wanted to hear. I would much rather here "we can get through anything as long as we are a team". A little support would be nice.
Then as I fermented the anger inside me, I thought it over (in silence in the car). Had he said what I think I would have liked to hear (see above)...I would have been like...you only say that because you wouldn't be the one pregnant dealing with the health issues...it's easy for you to say to be a "team" because you don't have to be the one pregnant!!
So Alex would have lost that conversation either way.
Still confused. But a little less urked. :)
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Me Time
I'm consumed with everything Anderson. I love him to pieces. He's my joy and my life and I just like to be around him. He makes me smile and giddy. I wish I could be with him all the time. When I'm not with him I still think about him. I worry about his milestones. I worry about his constant runny nose. I worry about day care. I worry about everything! Plus work is busy, life is busy...
However, I need to give myself permission to do activities just for me. I hate to do anything that means leaving Anderson (I know he is still well cared for) ... because I miss him. Then guilt settles in and I don't have any fun.
It's funny, I don't even remember life before him. I know life is not the same anymore (and it never will be), but I struggle to "allow myself" some time for "me". What did I do with myself before Anderson? I know that I need to take care of myself and have some "me time"..or my thoughts on ALL Anderson ALL the time will become all too consuming and my brain will be fried and I will be an unhappy and unproductive mama!!
I found this wonderful post that focuses on this subject and I am so glad I found it. I love Simply Seleta for the beatiful design posts and her writing. Today, she hit home with me. Here is a short blurb that I want to contanstantly remind myself with...
... he explained to me that in order for us to be our best selves, we need to NURTURE ourselves. Take time to relax, regroup, do something we’re passionate about. I told him I felt selfish and guilty when I did certain things for myself – mainly things that take time away from my family. He made it very clear that it is not selfish to take CARE of yourself. Funny, I try to make time for things like that but somehow they don’t always happen quite like I plan.
So this Thursday I am joining the girls to celebrate a good friend's birthday with a manicure, pedicure, lunch and some shopping. It should be fun and I will NOT feel guilty. This means I am taking a vacation day from work...A vacation day that I am taking without Anderson. A day for me...I feel selfish. But I feel I need it. I'm sure we will spend part of the day talking about the kiddos, so I will still think about Anderson. Plus my friends are moms and give great advice (and often tell me to stop worrying about everything! They also build my confidence by pointing out how great Anderson is and what a great job I have done so far. They are the best). I just have to shut off the guilt.
It's ok to focus on me...and not feel guilty about it. Repeat...
I will be repeating this mantra all week.
It's ok to focus on me...and not feel guilty about it.
Repeat after me.
However, I need to give myself permission to do activities just for me. I hate to do anything that means leaving Anderson (I know he is still well cared for) ... because I miss him. Then guilt settles in and I don't have any fun.
It's funny, I don't even remember life before him. I know life is not the same anymore (and it never will be), but I struggle to "allow myself" some time for "me". What did I do with myself before Anderson? I know that I need to take care of myself and have some "me time"..or my thoughts on ALL Anderson ALL the time will become all too consuming and my brain will be fried and I will be an unhappy and unproductive mama!!
I found this wonderful post that focuses on this subject and I am so glad I found it. I love Simply Seleta for the beatiful design posts and her writing. Today, she hit home with me. Here is a short blurb that I want to contanstantly remind myself with...
... he explained to me that in order for us to be our best selves, we need to NURTURE ourselves. Take time to relax, regroup, do something we’re passionate about. I told him I felt selfish and guilty when I did certain things for myself – mainly things that take time away from my family. He made it very clear that it is not selfish to take CARE of yourself. Funny, I try to make time for things like that but somehow they don’t always happen quite like I plan.
So this Thursday I am joining the girls to celebrate a good friend's birthday with a manicure, pedicure, lunch and some shopping. It should be fun and I will NOT feel guilty. This means I am taking a vacation day from work...A vacation day that I am taking without Anderson. A day for me...I feel selfish. But I feel I need it. I'm sure we will spend part of the day talking about the kiddos, so I will still think about Anderson. Plus my friends are moms and give great advice (and often tell me to stop worrying about everything! They also build my confidence by pointing out how great Anderson is and what a great job I have done so far. They are the best). I just have to shut off the guilt.
It's ok to focus on me...and not feel guilty about it. Repeat...
I will be repeating this mantra all week.
It's ok to focus on me...and not feel guilty about it.
Repeat after me.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Mommyhood progress
The last couple of months have been rough for me mentally and I haven't quite understood why. I have started so many blog posts but deleted them because they were coming from a place that I didn't recognize. After some soul searching and analyzing I think I finally figured out why (or at least partially).
We have been wanting to redo our basement and "finish" it so that Anderson would have a play room. His toys can all be contained, we would have our upstairs clutter free and we could add value to our home. Win Win. Alex wanted to do the job himself to save money. That means weekends and any days off that come during the week would be devoted to the basement. In years past Alex would have days off during the week because jobs were waiting to be inspected or poor timing on projects or for other reasons. Well this year we are not seeing too many of these days unscheduled days off. Alex always had the two weeks at Christmas and New Year's week off. Not this year. Alex has been working non-stop.
Figures. Having the basement project undone is driving Alex nuts. It keeps him up at night. It's all he thinks about, talks about. He's tackling the job on his own and he is doing all the work all alone. Plus he doesn't like to have projects linger. He's consumed ... dare I say it obsessed.
Me, wanting to be the loving supporting wife, said go ahead and do the project. I want the family room so we can all snuggle on the couch. I want to have all the toys in one spot! Great. I will take care of the baby, dinner, cleaning and the nightly routine and weekend chores on my own. I figured I could do it since he is putting his sweat into this project.
After about a month of construction, I noticed that I started crying and stressing at the drop of a hat (around late January). Not sure what was wrong with me. Why am I getting all worked up? Why do I feel "mad" all the time.
I started to see myself as failing in my multiple roles...and I felt I was doing everything half as*ed. I was not "just getting by" but failing (at least that was what my brain was thinking). I started to feel overwhelmed. And then I DID feel overwhelmed, A LOT. And then I felt Stressed. And Sad. And these feelings were beginning to consume me. I'm still dealing with them. I'm trying to.
Like I mentioned earlier, I thought about what was going on in my head and did some soul searching and analyzing. I spoke to some really good friends about it (thank God for girl's night). All assured me that these feelings are par for the course with a new baby and life will get easier and you will get use to it.
Then, one day, out of the blue, I finally figured out why I was sad. I came to the conclusion that I missed Alex. I missed our family time at night. I missed our weekends. I missed his presence. His quiet assurance. AND, and I missed his help.
So I finally fessed up and told him that I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything and that I felt like I wasn't doing any of my roles well. I told him that I felt like I wasn't being a good enough mom to Anderson (since he seems to be crying more, and not rolling over yet, not eating finger foods yet, etc), I felt like I was not a good enough employee (since I arrive late everyday and dream of quitting) and I felt like I was not a good enough wife (we never spend time together). Not to mention - I'm not good enough to me personally. I can't remember the last time I worked out (and I so need it). Alex, in his most supportive way, told me that I am doing everything well and that we will get through this and he gave me a big hug. That hug made me feel great. It really did. I couldn't believe his reaction, so supportive. I felt closer to him and so glad I got it OUT. I thought life should be good again.
Then another week went by and those anxious overwhelming feelings came back. What the heck? I have been back to work since October...why am I feeling this way now. Mommyhood and being a working mom and trying to get everything done is a work in progress. Has the rush of running around finally taking its toll on me?
It finally dawned on me that I need to make a change to our current routine. BUT what?
I finally asked Alex to not work in the basement on work nights. The night time routine is too much stress, is overwhelming and making me exhausted. Plus Anderson needs his Dad and they need to spend time together. I asked Alex and he agreed. So working on the basement will happen on weekends, Monday nights and Friday nights. That's it. And that is good enough in my book.
Sometimes you need to ask for what you want. Speak up. SPEAK UP. MOM UP. Do yourself a favor.
I am still a work in progress. I have to learn to not "feel bad" that I am not super woman. No one is. I'm not unreasonable...so if something is bothering me it's probably because its a problem. Definately, there are other issues that are still bothering me, but baby steps...
Family time at night has resumed and we are loving it.
We have been wanting to redo our basement and "finish" it so that Anderson would have a play room. His toys can all be contained, we would have our upstairs clutter free and we could add value to our home. Win Win. Alex wanted to do the job himself to save money. That means weekends and any days off that come during the week would be devoted to the basement. In years past Alex would have days off during the week because jobs were waiting to be inspected or poor timing on projects or for other reasons. Well this year we are not seeing too many of these days unscheduled days off. Alex always had the two weeks at Christmas and New Year's week off. Not this year. Alex has been working non-stop.
Figures. Having the basement project undone is driving Alex nuts. It keeps him up at night. It's all he thinks about, talks about. He's tackling the job on his own and he is doing all the work all alone. Plus he doesn't like to have projects linger. He's consumed ... dare I say it obsessed.
Me, wanting to be the loving supporting wife, said go ahead and do the project. I want the family room so we can all snuggle on the couch. I want to have all the toys in one spot! Great. I will take care of the baby, dinner, cleaning and the nightly routine and weekend chores on my own. I figured I could do it since he is putting his sweat into this project.
After about a month of construction, I noticed that I started crying and stressing at the drop of a hat (around late January). Not sure what was wrong with me. Why am I getting all worked up? Why do I feel "mad" all the time.
I started to see myself as failing in my multiple roles...and I felt I was doing everything half as*ed. I was not "just getting by" but failing (at least that was what my brain was thinking). I started to feel overwhelmed. And then I DID feel overwhelmed, A LOT. And then I felt Stressed. And Sad. And these feelings were beginning to consume me. I'm still dealing with them. I'm trying to.
Like I mentioned earlier, I thought about what was going on in my head and did some soul searching and analyzing. I spoke to some really good friends about it (thank God for girl's night). All assured me that these feelings are par for the course with a new baby and life will get easier and you will get use to it.
Then, one day, out of the blue, I finally figured out why I was sad. I came to the conclusion that I missed Alex. I missed our family time at night. I missed our weekends. I missed his presence. His quiet assurance. AND, and I missed his help.
So I finally fessed up and told him that I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything and that I felt like I wasn't doing any of my roles well. I told him that I felt like I wasn't being a good enough mom to Anderson (since he seems to be crying more, and not rolling over yet, not eating finger foods yet, etc), I felt like I was not a good enough employee (since I arrive late everyday and dream of quitting) and I felt like I was not a good enough wife (we never spend time together). Not to mention - I'm not good enough to me personally. I can't remember the last time I worked out (and I so need it). Alex, in his most supportive way, told me that I am doing everything well and that we will get through this and he gave me a big hug. That hug made me feel great. It really did. I couldn't believe his reaction, so supportive. I felt closer to him and so glad I got it OUT. I thought life should be good again.
Then another week went by and those anxious overwhelming feelings came back. What the heck? I have been back to work since October...why am I feeling this way now. Mommyhood and being a working mom and trying to get everything done is a work in progress. Has the rush of running around finally taking its toll on me?
It finally dawned on me that I need to make a change to our current routine. BUT what?
I finally asked Alex to not work in the basement on work nights. The night time routine is too much stress, is overwhelming and making me exhausted. Plus Anderson needs his Dad and they need to spend time together. I asked Alex and he agreed. So working on the basement will happen on weekends, Monday nights and Friday nights. That's it. And that is good enough in my book.
Sometimes you need to ask for what you want. Speak up. SPEAK UP. MOM UP. Do yourself a favor.
I am still a work in progress. I have to learn to not "feel bad" that I am not super woman. No one is. I'm not unreasonable...so if something is bothering me it's probably because its a problem. Definately, there are other issues that are still bothering me, but baby steps...
Family time at night has resumed and we are loving it.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Role Models for Fatherhood
I have been thinking a lot of what type of role models influence us...and by how much.
I look at my husband while he is playing with Anderson and it makes my heart smile. Not only is my face smiling, but I feel something inside me, like a beam of light trying to escape my chest. I feel my heart wanting to explode...giddy like. I feel like my heart is smiling with joy.
I often wonder what kind of role models my husband had in his life. Especially male role models. And the effect they will play on Alex's role as Daddy.
I know his dad wasn't really "there for him" after his parents separated. They had a "falling out" in Alex's early twenties (maybe late teens). Something that they could not recover from. BUT, from the stories Alex tells me from his youth his dad was "a hands on" Dad (and his mom too)...they did "play" together, his dad thought him things, spent time with him and showed him a strong work "ethic". Alex has never said that his father was a good role model ... this is just my conclusion after some of the stories he has mentioned about his childhood (I may be wrong). If I asked Alex he would probably say he was not a good dad (maybe I should ask Alex?). Alex's stories of his youth tell me that his dad was really a "father". Unfortunately some (mid-life crisis) issues came up later in life that spoil the good memories. Even more unfortunate - since they never made amends - we will never know what could have been. Alex's dad died on January 22, 2009.
Another role model for Alex was his grandfather. Alex had a really tight connection with his grandfather (his mother's father). They were very close and Alex was the only one his grandpa would listen too. Alex spent many weekends at his grandparents home (when he was a child). I'm not too sure his grandfather was a great role model in the typical sense (there have been lots of stories of him being abusive and being an alcoholic). However their relationship seemed perfect (he was never abusive to Alex). His grandfather made him feel loved and special. This just my take on what Alex tells me. His grandfather loved Alex just because! They had a friendship, a connection, they hung out and enjoyed their time together. Alex use to push his grandfather around in the wheelchair and go for rides. His grandfather always bought him candy at the store. They would carve wood figurines together. To have someone love you - for you - makes you feel special and loved...and they had that relationship. Not sure when he died, Alex was probably in his early teens (??).
This just makes me think about what kind of father Alex will be and how much of our parenting style comes from within ourselves and how much is taught by our parents/family?
I worry sometimes because the two main (male) influences in Alex's life were not a stable force...They were not good role models for a good portion of their life (from what I have been told).
Seeing Alex with the baby. Playing with him. Loving him. Making plans for their future together. Making a play room for the baby...Wanting to go to Borders to get toys and books for him. It's awesome. It's more than Awesome, it's Daddy in the making. Alex is a good father. I'm so proud of him.
Anderson has a Daddy that loves him "just because" and it makes me super happy that Anderson has a positive role model in his life. I pray that Anderson always has a Daddy that loves him and a Daddy he can depend on. And I pray that Alex always wants to be the father that I see in him today.
As I type this I realize this post has more to do with my own history with my father. The only experience I have with fatherhood is my experience with my father...which was not good. I just hope and pray and pray and pray that Anderson NEVER experiences what my father did to me. Abandonment scars you for life. That's a scar Anderson WILL NOT HAVE - PLEASE PRAY FOR THAT.
Hug a good father if you are lucky enough to have one. It's not by accident that a father is a good Dad. Don't take for granted having a good father because some of us do not have a father to look up to.
I look at my husband while he is playing with Anderson and it makes my heart smile. Not only is my face smiling, but I feel something inside me, like a beam of light trying to escape my chest. I feel my heart wanting to explode...giddy like. I feel like my heart is smiling with joy.
I often wonder what kind of role models my husband had in his life. Especially male role models. And the effect they will play on Alex's role as Daddy.
I know his dad wasn't really "there for him" after his parents separated. They had a "falling out" in Alex's early twenties (maybe late teens). Something that they could not recover from. BUT, from the stories Alex tells me from his youth his dad was "a hands on" Dad (and his mom too)...they did "play" together, his dad thought him things, spent time with him and showed him a strong work "ethic". Alex has never said that his father was a good role model ... this is just my conclusion after some of the stories he has mentioned about his childhood (I may be wrong). If I asked Alex he would probably say he was not a good dad (maybe I should ask Alex?). Alex's stories of his youth tell me that his dad was really a "father". Unfortunately some (mid-life crisis) issues came up later in life that spoil the good memories. Even more unfortunate - since they never made amends - we will never know what could have been. Alex's dad died on January 22, 2009.
Another role model for Alex was his grandfather. Alex had a really tight connection with his grandfather (his mother's father). They were very close and Alex was the only one his grandpa would listen too. Alex spent many weekends at his grandparents home (when he was a child). I'm not too sure his grandfather was a great role model in the typical sense (there have been lots of stories of him being abusive and being an alcoholic). However their relationship seemed perfect (he was never abusive to Alex). His grandfather made him feel loved and special. This just my take on what Alex tells me. His grandfather loved Alex just because! They had a friendship, a connection, they hung out and enjoyed their time together. Alex use to push his grandfather around in the wheelchair and go for rides. His grandfather always bought him candy at the store. They would carve wood figurines together. To have someone love you - for you - makes you feel special and loved...and they had that relationship. Not sure when he died, Alex was probably in his early teens (??).
This just makes me think about what kind of father Alex will be and how much of our parenting style comes from within ourselves and how much is taught by our parents/family?
I worry sometimes because the two main (male) influences in Alex's life were not a stable force...They were not good role models for a good portion of their life (from what I have been told).
Seeing Alex with the baby. Playing with him. Loving him. Making plans for their future together. Making a play room for the baby...Wanting to go to Borders to get toys and books for him. It's awesome. It's more than Awesome, it's Daddy in the making. Alex is a good father. I'm so proud of him.
Anderson has a Daddy that loves him "just because" and it makes me super happy that Anderson has a positive role model in his life. I pray that Anderson always has a Daddy that loves him and a Daddy he can depend on. And I pray that Alex always wants to be the father that I see in him today.
As I type this I realize this post has more to do with my own history with my father. The only experience I have with fatherhood is my experience with my father...which was not good. I just hope and pray and pray and pray that Anderson NEVER experiences what my father did to me. Abandonment scars you for life. That's a scar Anderson WILL NOT HAVE - PLEASE PRAY FOR THAT.
Hug a good father if you are lucky enough to have one. It's not by accident that a father is a good Dad. Don't take for granted having a good father because some of us do not have a father to look up to.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Life is great...most of the time!
I have started many posts about the trials and tribulations going on in my life. I hesitate to ever post "complaints" or vents because I feel it makes it look like I am complaining or "suffering" or not enjoying life.
Truth be told my life is the best it's ever been. I am the happiest I have ever been. I have never felt more alive. I feel I live "on purpose" (or with purpose) now. I feel like I have "peeked" - that this is as good as it gets - and that's ok. But I also know that there is so much more to life still to come.
With that said, life is the busiest it's ever been. I have more responsibilities than ever before and I am shouldering a lot of taskes with my roles (wife, daughter, sister, employee, MOMMY). Plus there is my resistance to change. Plus a lot of the goings on with the baby (separation anxiety, daycare, colds, feedings, sleeping) are new to me.
So I am going to be honest about the stresses in my life, but I also hope to put all the good out on the blog as well. I will refer back to this post when I see too many negatives and complaints and remind myself (and anyone else who may read this eventually) that Life is GREAT...at least most of the time.
Truth be told my life is the best it's ever been. I am the happiest I have ever been. I have never felt more alive. I feel I live "on purpose" (or with purpose) now. I feel like I have "peeked" - that this is as good as it gets - and that's ok. But I also know that there is so much more to life still to come.
With that said, life is the busiest it's ever been. I have more responsibilities than ever before and I am shouldering a lot of taskes with my roles (wife, daughter, sister, employee, MOMMY). Plus there is my resistance to change. Plus a lot of the goings on with the baby (separation anxiety, daycare, colds, feedings, sleeping) are new to me.
So I am going to be honest about the stresses in my life, but I also hope to put all the good out on the blog as well. I will refer back to this post when I see too many negatives and complaints and remind myself (and anyone else who may read this eventually) that Life is GREAT...at least most of the time.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Helpful Mommy?
Today I actually got asked for some mommy advice from a concerned parent. I couldn't believe it. I feel like I really do not know what I am doing most of the time and I ALWAYS second guess myself - all the time.
To have a concerned Daddy asked me "as a new mom" what i would I do ... was a confidence builder. AND, I actually had agood suggestion. It reminded me that I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
Let me say this out loud. Patricia, stop being so hard on yourself. Just stop it right now. (ok I feel better)
Anderson's eyes always bug out when he sees me after a long day at work. He gets so happy. It makes my day. It swells my heart. I love every minute of it. I love him so much. I just want to do right by him and make him happy and bright and all those great things. He deserves all that is good in this world.
Anderson Mommy loves you so much. Thanks for bearing with me as I get this Mommy job thing under control.
Kisses.
To have a concerned Daddy asked me "as a new mom" what i would I do ... was a confidence builder. AND, I actually had a
Let me say this out loud. Patricia, stop being so hard on yourself. Just stop it right now. (ok I feel better)
Anderson's eyes always bug out when he sees me after a long day at work. He gets so happy. It makes my day. It swells my heart. I love every minute of it. I love him so much. I just want to do right by him and make him happy and bright and all those great things. He deserves all that is good in this world.
Anderson Mommy loves you so much. Thanks for bearing with me as I get this Mommy job thing under control.
Kisses.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Quarterly review and being a working mom
Every quarter there is a meeting at my job with the "investment committee". This committee includes the big wigs of the organization and is to go over the investments in the Firm's retirement plan. The meeting is considered the Firm's "fiduciary responsibility" - to review the goings on in the investments used in our retirement plans. I won't bore you with the details, but I did my own flash back to my very own 2010 highlights. It's funny how every thought (even at work) always goes back to Anderson, my baby.
Similar to the Investment Committee meeting here are "minutes" to my 2010's quarterly highlights.
First quarter,
I felt my baby kick and grow inside me. Worries of my health and the effect on the baby consume my thoughts. Nursery ideas run rampant. Registering for all the "things" we will need is overwhelming. Anticipation is on my mind.
Second quarter,
We have surprise baby showers, the first feelings of severe pain/uncomfortableness occur. Lots of doctor appointments lead to the biggest appointment EVER - induction and delivery. The day has arrived! Baby Anderson arrives. Discovered that loving my son at first sight is not only possible but IS my reality. I experience overwhelming feelings of joy and happiness. Love for this child and our new little family is overpowering.
Third Quarter,
Fall deeper and deeper in love with my little man. Discover that I can be alone with him and survive (maybe not thrive). Sleep, lack of sleep, little sleep and needing sleep...make my mind foggy. The simple tasks of going for a walk, taking lots of photos and playing with Little A, vovo and daddy are life memories in the making.
Fourth Quarter,
Return to work...start of daycare (and colds), preparing for our busy season and the holidays are front in center this quarter. New routine (away from Little A) strikes serious sadness and stress. But time with Anderson is pure joy. He makes me smile. We make it work. Love and help from family and friends are a God send. First holidays are enjoyed with renewed enthusiasm.
So while I should be thriving at work, I really am trying to do the best I can. I hate to admit it but adjusting to being a working mom is a challenge I am still trying to perfect. I wonder if I ever will (or if anyone ever does)? Work has new meaning. It no longer means long days to get ahead or to get more and more projects done. Now I get my responsibilities done and I go home to my even bigger (more important) job. Life is busy and I struggle with all the challenges at times, but I know that I will get better at being a working mom with time. Practice makes perfect right?
Similar to the Investment Committee meeting here are "minutes" to my 2010's quarterly highlights.
First quarter,
I felt my baby kick and grow inside me. Worries of my health and the effect on the baby consume my thoughts. Nursery ideas run rampant. Registering for all the "things" we will need is overwhelming. Anticipation is on my mind.
Second quarter,
We have surprise baby showers, the first feelings of severe pain/uncomfortableness occur. Lots of doctor appointments lead to the biggest appointment EVER - induction and delivery. The day has arrived! Baby Anderson arrives. Discovered that loving my son at first sight is not only possible but IS my reality. I experience overwhelming feelings of joy and happiness. Love for this child and our new little family is overpowering.
Third Quarter,
Fall deeper and deeper in love with my little man. Discover that I can be alone with him and survive (maybe not thrive). Sleep, lack of sleep, little sleep and needing sleep...make my mind foggy. The simple tasks of going for a walk, taking lots of photos and playing with Little A, vovo and daddy are life memories in the making.
Fourth Quarter,
Return to work...start of daycare (and colds), preparing for our busy season and the holidays are front in center this quarter. New routine (away from Little A) strikes serious sadness and stress. But time with Anderson is pure joy. He makes me smile. We make it work. Love and help from family and friends are a God send. First holidays are enjoyed with renewed enthusiasm.
So while I should be thriving at work, I really am trying to do the best I can. I hate to admit it but adjusting to being a working mom is a challenge I am still trying to perfect. I wonder if I ever will (or if anyone ever does)? Work has new meaning. It no longer means long days to get ahead or to get more and more projects done. Now I get my responsibilities done and I go home to my even bigger (more important) job. Life is busy and I struggle with all the challenges at times, but I know that I will get better at being a working mom with time. Practice makes perfect right?
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Change
Change is hard for me. I still haven't discovered why I resist change so much, why I freak out with change and why I avoid change in general.
Even a change for the better is difficult for me (getting into a relationship, having a baby, etc). It's a constant struggle with me. I know I can't be the only one. I am working on keeping the stress caused by change in check.
This past year has been a year of significant change and I have been adjusting...slowly but surely. However, sometimes I have a hard time.
I have to keep reminding myself that change is good. Change is good. Life is full of change. Embrace it.
I pray for the power to resist overwhelming fear of change.
"Change is the watchword of Progression. When
We tire of well-worn ways, we seek for new.
This restless craving in the souls of men
Spurs them to climb, and seek the mountain view.
- Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Have a great Thursday.
Even a change for the better is difficult for me (getting into a relationship, having a baby, etc). It's a constant struggle with me. I know I can't be the only one. I am working on keeping the stress caused by change in check.
This past year has been a year of significant change and I have been adjusting...slowly but surely. However, sometimes I have a hard time.
I have to keep reminding myself that change is good. Change is good. Life is full of change. Embrace it.
I pray for the power to resist overwhelming fear of change.
"Change is the watchword of Progression. When
We tire of well-worn ways, we seek for new.
This restless craving in the souls of men
Spurs them to climb, and seek the mountain view.
- Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Have a great Thursday.
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