Do you ever feel 100% ready? God knows I am not ready to have #2. Will I ever be? Another post for another day...
Lets go back to the start of my pregnancy journey.
I am a planner. I plan things out in my life because I hate Change. I need to feel prepared. I fear the unknown. I need to know what is coming up next and plan, plan, and plan some more. I need to figure out responses to potential issues and know (in my mind) how I am going to handle them. It looks like I am a control freak but I really do not think I am (maybe?). I'm a bit of pessimist (for my own life) but I am an optimistic (glass half full) kind of person. I know I am double talking here. Let's continue maybe I will make some sense...
Lets discuss the big considerations I thought through before baby (these are my thoughts, not anyone else's, everyone thinks differently and these thoughts are YEARS old now). This list is in no particular order.
- Does Alex want kids? Check. He was ready on our wedding day.
- Marriage - Check (call me old fashion) - double check - we have been married twice - August 2006 and October 2007.
- Marriage/Couple time - Check (this also means - are we ready for less "us" time). For a while there I wanted our "couple time" and didn't feel ready to have kids. Alex and I spent so many years apart, longing to be together and to finally have "us" ...I truly treasured it and, honestly, I had to get use to it. I needed time to get use to being married and being a wife (read "change is hard for me"). It was nice just "us", but around late 2008 I started to evolve and move to the next step from "us" to "lets continue us to the three of us".
- Does Alex want to share all the responsibilities of raising kids? Check. Maybe the bullet should be...Does Alex show signs that he will share all the responsibilities of raising kids? Two issues here. 1. I was raised by a single mom and that was really hard and not something I ever want to experience or put my baby through. Growing up unloved by your father damages you and I absolutely do NOT want my kids to experience this. {I suppose most single moms do not choose to experience this life - my mom certainly did not envision her marriage would end the way it did.} I spent so many years never wanting to be married, never trusting anyone, never wanting a family of my own (because my home life was horrible)...lots of stuff to overcome. My relationship with Alex has helped me overcome a lot. Powerful stuff. 2. I was also concerned that the old fashion Portuguese view of moms handling all of the baby rearing stuff may be hidden deep within Alex (I know men who announce they will never change a diaper!). I did not want this for my family and neither does Alex. He is a modern guy (from a not so modern rural area of Portugal). I never would have married a traditional old school man, and I should stop doubting that Alex may "turn" into one.
- Money. Check. Is there ever really enough? No, but we are paying our bills and saving and we are both working hard. Of course the economy can change all that in a second...but we are living like our jobs are going to continue and NOT end any time soon (even though they could) and we are both savers and thrifty. If our jobs do end we will figure something out and we have some savings.
- Genetic counseling. Check. After some discussion with my (now former) PCP on some family issues she recommended we see a genetic counselor. We did meet with a genetic counselor and there were tests done and all was great! (We met with the doctor in February 2009, I had the tests done in March 2009 and got the results in early May 2009). It was stressful at the time, but I am so glad we went through that process. (When it came time for genetic testing while pregnant there was a bit less stress.)
- My Health. NO check. In July 2008 during a routine annual exam my PCP mention that my blood pressure was high and that I should lose weight and maybe start to exercise a bit. She wanted to see me in three months. Well I joined Weight Watchers and did pretty well. But then I fell off the band wagon (story of my life) when we went on vacation. I have struggle with my weight my entire life. But I wanted to jump back into to it...this is a baby we are talking about!! But the pressure gets to me. The more I want it, the more I stress about it. I didn't gain, and made some healthy changes but I needed to lose a lot of excess weight if I wanted to have a healthy pregnancy. My plan was to lose weight before getting pregnant because I would be looking at an uncomfortable 9 months if I didn't (I had visions of going out on disability at 5 months, or having to be wheeled around in a wheel chair). I want to give my baby the best start...Great intentions....
- Biological clock. It wasn't ticking it was more like thrashing around. I'm not getting any younger (and healthier). I wasn't too concerned...many people have babies in their 30's...but I'm pushing late 30's. Plus I thought (at the time) I would like to have at least 2 kids.
I still remember a nice sunny day in Boston in December 2008 (I'm sure I have the date saved somewhere in my 2008 journal). I was meeting Alex in town so that he could go get his fingerprints done at immigration. He was filing for permanent residency (green card) and fingerprinting is a formality.
As we were walking back to my office (hand and hand, smiling ear to ear) it finally hit me. Why are we waiting? This man is the love of my life and I feel so secure of our relationship...now more than ever. How can I doubt everything and everybody because of one man (my father)? Will the doubts ever go away (probably not, this is my nature, this is my personality)? When will the time ever be "perfect"? There is no "perfect" time, you just need to be ready mentally...and I finally felt like I was there.
I hadn't planned to feel this aha moment on this particular day, it just sort of happened as we were strolling. I think back to how I felt that day. I felt giddy (like a first date). Alex changed his life for me (moving here from Portugal, filing for permanent residency) and I loved him more that day than any other day since we met (and I love him more now as a father). I guess (looking back) I was happy we were married and things were going well and we were still in love and happy (and not fighting like my parents did all the time). Part of me thought he would up and leave and hate it here and hate being married. I even thought he may end up hating me. Nope...he loved me. Go figure. (I'm not saying we never argued or disagreed....we certainly did and still do).
I remember looking at Alex with a grin on my face. I asked Alex if he wanted to be the father of my children and he just looked at me kinda funny. I then rephrased my question and told him that I wanted him to be the father of my children and that I was finally ready to move closer to getting pregnant. Sweet memories.
Keep in mind the future was still uncertain and we were not really ready because I still had to lose weight, deal with my blood pressure and we still had to go through genetic counseling. I decided I could still be afraid but that I wanted to move forward.
In my mind I was finally ready to move forward (mentally) and that was an awesome day and an awesome feeling.
That December 2008 - I stopped taking birth control, started taking blood pressure medication AND we started to look forward to the future as parents.
To be continued...
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