The last couple of months have been rough for me mentally and I haven't quite understood why. I have started so many blog posts but deleted them because they were coming from a place that I didn't recognize. After some soul searching and analyzing I think I finally figured out why (or at least partially).
We have been wanting to redo our basement and "finish" it so that Anderson would have a play room. His toys can all be contained, we would have our upstairs clutter free and we could add value to our home. Win Win. Alex wanted to do the job himself to save money. That means weekends and any days off that come during the week would be devoted to the basement. In years past Alex would have days off during the week because jobs were waiting to be inspected or poor timing on projects or for other reasons. Well this year we are not seeing too many of these days unscheduled days off. Alex always had the two weeks at Christmas and New Year's week off. Not this year. Alex has been working non-stop.
Figures. Having the basement project undone is driving Alex nuts. It keeps him up at night. It's all he thinks about, talks about. He's tackling the job on his own and he is doing all the work all alone. Plus he doesn't like to have projects linger. He's consumed ... dare I say it obsessed.
Me, wanting to be the loving supporting wife, said go ahead and do the project. I want the family room so we can all snuggle on the couch. I want to have all the toys in one spot! Great. I will take care of the baby, dinner, cleaning and the nightly routine and weekend chores on my own. I figured I could do it since he is putting his sweat into this project.
After about a month of construction, I noticed that I started crying and stressing at the drop of a hat (around late January). Not sure what was wrong with me. Why am I getting all worked up? Why do I feel "mad" all the time.
I started to see myself as failing in my multiple roles...and I felt I was doing everything half as*ed. I was not "just getting by" but failing (at least that was what my brain was thinking). I started to feel overwhelmed. And then I DID feel overwhelmed, A LOT. And then I felt Stressed. And Sad. And these feelings were beginning to consume me. I'm still dealing with them. I'm trying to.
Like I mentioned earlier, I thought about what was going on in my head and did some soul searching and analyzing. I spoke to some really good friends about it (thank God for girl's night). All assured me that these feelings are par for the course with a new baby and life will get easier and you will get use to it.
Then, one day, out of the blue, I finally figured out why I was sad. I came to the conclusion that I missed Alex. I missed our family time at night. I missed our weekends. I missed his presence. His quiet assurance. AND, and I missed his help.
So I finally fessed up and told him that I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything and that I felt like I wasn't doing any of my roles well. I told him that I felt like I wasn't being a good enough mom to Anderson (since he seems to be crying more, and not rolling over yet, not eating finger foods yet, etc), I felt like I was not a good enough employee (since I arrive late everyday and dream of quitting) and I felt like I was not a good enough wife (we never spend time together). Not to mention - I'm not good enough to me personally. I can't remember the last time I worked out (and I so need it). Alex, in his most supportive way, told me that I am doing everything well and that we will get through this and he gave me a big hug. That hug made me feel great. It really did. I couldn't believe his reaction, so supportive. I felt closer to him and so glad I got it OUT. I thought life should be good again.
Then another week went by and those anxious overwhelming feelings came back. What the heck? I have been back to work since October...why am I feeling this way now. Mommyhood and being a working mom and trying to get everything done is a work in progress. Has the rush of running around finally taking its toll on me?
It finally dawned on me that I need to make a change to our current routine. BUT what?
I finally asked Alex to not work in the basement on work nights. The night time routine is too much stress, is overwhelming and making me exhausted. Plus Anderson needs his Dad and they need to spend time together. I asked Alex and he agreed. So working on the basement will happen on weekends, Monday nights and Friday nights. That's it. And that is good enough in my book.
Sometimes you need to ask for what you want. Speak up. SPEAK UP. MOM UP. Do yourself a favor.
I am still a work in progress. I have to learn to not "feel bad" that I am not super woman. No one is. I'm not unreasonable...so if something is bothering me it's probably because its a problem. Definately, there are other issues that are still bothering me, but baby steps...
Family time at night has resumed and we are loving it.
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